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and the vehicle i will use to explore it is love.
as i write this, i am wondering about how much this reading actually means to me. i sat still, i listened, and this morning in the quiet stillness, i heard nothing going on inside my head for a change. now, feeling me way through what i want to share i am starting to get a sense of what may be going on inside. i thought i had just accepted the events of the past week and moved on, but as i get closer to what is really going on, it just does not feel real. it feels like a dream, albeit a bad one, that i am unable to emerge from, no matter how much i apply myself. i have a clue, that maybe i am withdrawing from reality once again, ignoring the real world for the most part and shutting down all that is going on inside. everyone keeps asking how i am doing and for the most part i have hedged on my answer. i say i am OKAY, which is the LITERAL TRUTH, ignoring the rest of the complicated set of feelings that are percolating within. there is anger, there is relief, there is sadness and there is a sense of loss. all of those are adding up to a painful numbness and it is disturbing to me, why i just do not let all of them run their course. perhaps i am, by writing this, by being present for my family, by showing up at the church this morning and just be being here, present with what is going on and allowing those who love me, to love me. i can allow myself to feel, to love and be loved and most importantly to grow,even though there is an apparent lack of any activity or any signs that i am in the middle of some process.
i do believe i will wrap this up, get some work done and allow myself to just BE and see what happens. recovery is teaching me that even if i do not understand what i am feeling, IF i allow them to run their course, i will be better off in the end.

∞ DT ∞