Blog entry for:

it feels a whole lot later than it is today, i am always messed up after the time changes either forward or backwards, and as i pay attention to what i am feeling, i can certainly see that the time of year is upon me and i am getting more and more willing to lock myself away and hide, until the sun returns. across the course of my recovery, this reading has brought all sorts of reactions and my writing on it has changed from the “party line,” into more about me. today is no different as out of love, i told one of my peers, that perhaps he needs to find a new sponsor, someone closer to his home. i did not tale that action lightly, as i never want to push anyone away, or at least for the most part i do not want to push them away. what i have been feeling lately, in this regard, is that as much as i want to give my friend and sponsee, distance is our enemy and the most loving action i can take is to offer him he opportunity to consider someone else. the reading today, however, forced me to jump the track on that particular train of thought and look to my motives and examine them to see if i really have his best interests at heart. which of course gets me second guessing myself as if i am setting my line-up for my Fantasy Football league. the difference here is stark, am i pushing him to make a decision because i want to look better and if he decides to maintain the status quo, i get to be the f*cking good guy, or is it really out of concern for him and his recovery. or even worse is this the beginning of a pattern of pulling back from those who care about and retreating into my lair for a winter of discontent?
the questions that are on my mind today are certainly “weighty” and without quick or even simple answers. my course of action, the next right thing as it were, is to move forward with my life and see where this all leads to, after all, i have no power over what others do, and opening the door to a decision their part is certainly an action that i can see is out of love. what i want today is another fantasy football win, a stable relationship with myself and the world around me and to be bale to express the concern and love that i have uncovered as a result of living a program of active recovery. so for now, i guess i will let go and see what the day may bring, it is after all a good day to not be in charge.

∞ DT ∞