Blog entry for:

getting to know myself and being considerate of others. i am certain that sounds more than a little bit weird, coming from someone who purports to have a couple of decades clean. be that as it may, it has only been a few years since i have revealed my true self, to myself and those who i trust. i am still getting to know that person and as that process unfolds, i am learning how that person can be considerate and kind to all of those he happens to encounter on a daily basis. one might wonder, how i can be intimate with anyone as i am learning who i truly am, and the answer is, i just go with the flow, and if i feel myself slipping back into the comfortable cover of the lie that defined me for so long, i have to stop, take a breath and look at the whys and wherefores. most of the time it boils down to FEAR of what someone else may think of me.
as i prepare to step out on this cold and gloomy autumnal morn, i have to wonder if hitting the streets is a good thing. i could, of course make a trip to the Rec Center and if it was snowing or raining i would not hesitate to do so, as i prefer fresh air. i also prefer comfort and right now, the temperature is not that cold and it is not precipitating. i often wonder if my desire to workout on a daily basis is linked to my low self-esteem. right now i am not comfortable with the poundage i have put on, over the past year and i probably see myself as way heavier than i actually am. the trick here is to balance facts, one hundred and ninety six pounds and a pair of jeans i cannot fit into; with perception, i am fat and unattractive. if i want something different, i have to do something different and that includes continuing my physical fitness regimen. it also means i have to limit my caloric intake, as i have n-been “snacking” way too much lately. a salad may not be what is for lunch, but ice cream is off the menu for at least today. it is a good day to balance what i want, what i need and what i can change, in the here and now.

∞ DT ∞