feet of clay
Posted: Thu, Jun 24, 2004 04:48:42 AM
one thing i have been struggling with lately is a very old set of behaviors and feelings
for as long as i can remember i have been subject to what i call my "black days"
i just do not want to be part of the world. i used to totally withdraw from the world and isolate for days on end
the severity of this feeling has been greatly reduced to the point of just feeling a bit disconnected (well actually more than a bit) and not wanting get or give any sort of affection especially physical demonstations (touching or being touched).
now i call it my "grey daze"
it has been quite a while since it came on full-force, but since coming back from vacation i have been in it.
i act "as if" it does not exist but now that i have someone in my life, i can no longer play that game. i have to be honest and let her know.
because i ignored it, she was hurt, believing that she had done something wrong, when it was all me.
of course recovery has taught me to be honest with my feelings and of course my self-image means that of course i cannot let anyone in on my "grey" little feelings. how can i be of help when i suffer myself???
well my step work last night asked a question that goes to the heart of this situation.
identification with another addict is so important to me, how can it be any less for those i share recovery with. i need to share about whatever is happening so i can let others know there is HOPE
no matter what i feel i am still clean and still doing what i need to continue the process of on-going recovery
so just as i have to learn to tolerate the character defects in others and not judge them, i must apply that same standard to myself
DT