Blog entry for:

to place principles before personalities.
quiet a mouthful, and as i paused to remember that a year ago, i was dealing with the loss of a companion and the anger at a sponsee, who is a master manipulator, i felt all of those feelings all over again. well Lucy has been gone a year, and it still brings a tear to my eye and a catch in my heart today. Vinny will be out of the system in less than 20 days and based on what he has been saying in our correspondence i wonder what will become of him. oh yeah, in case you do not know, Daisy came into our home last August to rescue us and my life is for her presence. not that she can replace Odin or Lucy, she is her own animal, but it reminds me that i have an unlimited capacity to love, when i allow myself to do so.
this morning, as i move into the m,eat of the topic is about tolerance, of which i have had very little in recent history. in fact, i have become so intolerant,m that when i was certain that a member was misquoting the literature, i actually went and read what they purported the literature said, and found myself correct, they were wrong, once again. what i have been missing, is that they actually seem to be growing beyond bumper stickers clichés and telling us how to do it and into their own personal recovery experience. sure they mostly misquote and pull phrases out of context, but at least they are trying and yet as time goes on, i find more and more to criticize which does remind me of a phone call i need to make later today.
i feel as if i am struggling to hold on to that critical cynic when the signs around me are telling me to let it go, like the people of Walmart who may or may not be on our neighborhood streets freeloading once again, next weekend. more will certainly be revealed, and what i am starting to get, is that once i accepted the cynical part of me, as part of my last SIXTH and SEVENTH STEPS, i am having trouble letting it sink into the background noise of who i am. i like being cynical, and now that i have permission from myself to express that, out loud, i do not want it to just become part of who i am, i want that p[art of me to define me, just as once i was defined by what i did for a living. i want it to be my identity and not part of my identity. sitting here on STEP TEN, even though really is not a lot of purpose, defers me having to let this go, as i move into STEP ELEVEN and start align myself to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. before i go and get all spiritual, there is something else that needs to be dropped off here and left behind. recently there is a person in my life, a purported member of the other 85%, who keeps saying that Dairy Queen is like drugs to them. they actually use the word addict as something derisive and undesirable and it insults me to end. not that i have said anything to them, as i have to interact with them very frequently, and in that part of my life, i am more than a bit protective of my anonymity, but i certainly want top let them know how insulting their use of that word is to someone like me. the path i certainly need to take here as well, is one of tolerance and stop taking it so personally. if i want to survive and i want to maintain my anonymity at the same time, i will need to ask for the ability to be more tolerant in all of my affairs, as well as allow myself to reintegrate into the whole and genuine being, i am becoming.
yes, i am a cynic, but i am so much more, and perhaps the time has come to be so much more, instead of dragging my feet and preventing to transformation form happening. or maybe i can crack jokes about the irony of life one more day longer, and allow myself to recover tomorrow. hmmm an interesting proposition and one that i will will ponder on my drive over to Boulder this morning.

∞ DT ∞