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okay, i have to admit it, i am not the most tolerant person in most any pack. in fact i am downright intolerant of willful ignorance, purposeful dishonesty and blatant self-interest. the fact that i can recognize those behaviors in others means that they are part of my repertoire as well, and they are certainly three traits that i would love to have removed. the fact that i find them less than thrilling in others, means that in respect to the nasty three, i am intolerant of myself as well. i will not sweep this under the carpet by saying, well i am only human and an addict to boot, what else would one expect. for me, celebrating my less than savory aspects and declaring my humanness, is not cause for celebration nor is it an excuse to continue doing whatever it is i am doing. in this case more wrongs do not ever make it right and even if my “religion” forgives my sins on the other six days of the week, it does not make me a better person to commit them in the first place.
alrighty then , there is my spew all over you, time to rein it in and find a bit of HOPE.
as i ponder my actions, and most of all my feelings over the past few days, i find that my intolerance for the foibles off others has got me into a state that there is at least one of the people in my life, who i would not do anything out of my way for, today. the fact that i bear so much animosity to someone is incredible, and out of character for me. at least today. this reversion to a previous and quite familiar state of being, is more than a bit spooky and certainly uncomfortable. of course that observation provides more fuel and i can be even more intolerant, as now i have become the victim of someone else's lack of real change. well, for me, the victim-hood stops now. recovery is tough enough without me complicating it by taking on the lack of decent behaviors on the part of others. it is my responsibility to look at where my integrity lies, and yes, even if i am not feeling warm and fuzzy towards someone in the here and now, and even if it is because of the shite they are pitching around, i do not NEED to blame them for my feelings and lack of spiritual principles. their shite will catch up with them and it is not my place to spread it all around. the consequences of me being a silent and secret hater are too dire for me to continue down that path. i may not turn the other cheek, but i can certainly forgive them their trespasses. after all, i was a volunteer and certainly knew better, and perhaps it is my willful ignorance in this matter that is the driving force and as i see more and more, how over-involved i am in analyzing and determining root cause, what it comes down to is that regardless of what i said, i expected different results, insanity in the very classic sense.
today? well today i am going to be kind to the freeloader at work. i am going to be honest with anyone who asks what i am thinking and feeling, even if tact and diplomacy will be requires and if i encounter a “mangina” in my daily travels, i will not alter my message or who i am just to keep them from feeling all butt hurt. after all, that is on them and it is not my place to walk on the eggshells of their very tender feelings. they volunteer for that life, and are far from being a victim.

∞ DT ∞