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i know that this reading is about tolerance, and i get that message loud and clear, but that is where i get off of this particle bus. i mean really, to tell me to stop making judgments based on what i observe is like telling me i ought not breathe. especially when it comes to adopting and adapting my program of recovery to best suit the purpose of becoming the person i was always meant to be. yes, how someone else works their program is their business and is between them, their sponsor and whatever notion of a HIGHER POWER, they happen to have. just as mine is with that same cast of characters. the results of their program are apparent in their everyday lives and their behaviors. that is all i have to go on, and what i want is suggestions on how to make my program of recovery stronger and better integrated into the whole of my life. so when i see members practicing the spiritual principles of the program in a seemingly effortless manner, i want what they have. the converse is also true, when i see members spouting off about how they do this and that and then act in manner far from spiritual, i want to find out what they are doing so i can avoid doing that as well.
so all of that comes down to a judgement call, and in the end i am being judgmental, is that really a character defect? in this instance, that is quite a tricky question. it is true that being judgmental is a survival trait, as a human being i NEED to be able to assess the current situation and make informed decisions as to my safety and my well being, based on what i observe. active addiction did take that skill and morph it into something beyond any recognition. as i traveled deeper into active addiction, my power of observation got more and more clouded by the wall of lies and denial i wove around myself, so being judgmental became so much more, it was necessary to protect the ways and means to use and get more. early recovery was not better, so what i did was what they told me to do, and most of that i still do today. the results of being teachable showed very quickly in my life, in a relative sense. sure i had bone-crunching, jaw-clenching JONES coupled with a never ending obsession to use for the first six months of my recovery BUT i stayed clean and did my damnedest to become a recovering person.
after some time, i realized that some of what i was doing was in the process of killing me, as it kept me form finding my own path, BUT i needed to do what i was told, with a minimum of questions, becau8se i had no body of knowledge on which to judge. that, however was then and this is now.
after being clean, and working a program and yes even living a program of recovery, i do have a body of knowledge upon which to draw as well as a source of wisdom as to what works and what does not, at least in my experience. i CAN be judgmental about how another member works their program and evaluate whether or not i want to add what they are doing to my recovery program, or even evaluate my program to subtract what they are doing so i do not have to fall into the traps i see them stumbling across. the catch here, is this all needs to remain between my ears, with the exception of perhaps my sponsor, especially if the conclusion i reach is that my program needs a radical revision. being judgmental only becomes a character defect when i use it as a weapon, or to feed my self-righteous indignation, thus cutting me off from the source of my new ideas.
it is true, i have been clean for a while. it is true that i have worked steps and am continuing to work steps. it is also true, that the source of new and different ideas to add to my recovery is the fellowship in all it's glory, from newest newcomer to the most ancient old-timsr, relatively speaking. each provides me the opportunity to add something new, subtract what is not working and create a program that produces the best Don that i can be, in the here and now. that is my theory anyhow, and as with any theory, the proof is in the preponderance of the evidence and on that the jury is still deliberating. what i can say is that i am better than i was when i came to recovery, i am better than i was five years ago, and yes i am more than likely better than i was yesterday. so in this instance the judgement game is working and even if i may not want what they are displaying, it does not mean that i love them any less, or discount what they are going through, it just means based on the results i see, i do not want what they have PERIOD.
being tolerant and being judgmental NEED not mutually exclusive states of being. they can be, if i allow them to become that way, but just for today, i will do my best to put my judgements behind me and tolerate all of those who i see and choose to recover with today. so my oil change is done, time to move on with the thought that i can be better at being tolerant and still be able to detect what i do and do not want as part of my life. recovery does allow for that if i allow myself to.

∞ DT ∞