Blog entry for:

and do my best not to judge others, by focusing on the principles of love and acceptance. there is a whole bunch going on this morning and getting started is difficult. do i speak to my anger at the attempt to manipulate me into doing something that is against my principles, or do i speak to the burning pain of grief i feel at the loss of a canine companion.

one of the gifts as as well as one of the curses of recovery is i GET to feel. the worst part is how i can be so angry and so sad at the exact same time and not be ruled by either. since i started down this road, and the reading is about tolerance i will start there and see where i end up.
the best part of yesterday got destroyed by a phone call from a friend and sponsee. it was manipulative and certainly left me feeling like i needed to defend myself, and the putz kept saying i am not trying to convince you, because he was trying to shame and guilt me into doing something i had not made up my mind about. he actions have nearly forced me to make a decision and it is not the one he is going to like. if i choose not to show up at his hearing in a week, it is not because i believe he deserves to be punished for his remainder, it is because i have nothing that is beneficial to his cause to add. i am moving on in my part of this relationship, so perhaps my growth will spur his, or not. today i need not defend or explain myself and the letter i wrote last night to distract myself from the pain, will probably need to be rewritten this evening, when i have had some time to process.
which brings me to the real topic, which has nothing to do about being intolerant and judgmental. no this morning i am hurting because once again i have had to make a decision to end the life of a dawg that loved us without conditions and has been a part of our lives for nearly two years. it is hard to believe that she was her for such a short period of time. remembering my initial thoughts that she would never be able to fill my heart with the love i felt for Odin, Lucy managed to fill a place in my heart all of her own. seeing her yesterday afternoon, so fragile, so sick and in so much pain, made the decision an easy one. that tough little bitch refused to go quietly. even after the fatal concoction had done its work, she snapped and growled more than once. she may have been ready to go, but was not going to leave us without a final battle. as i sit here this morning writing down my feelings about the joy and frustration she brought into our lives, i swear not another dawg will ever be brought into this house again, but i also know that is a reaction to the pain and the emptiness i feel. i was numb before i sat down to write this and now, well not so much anymore. our little Lucy, was at times the most frustrating irritating and pesky little dawg i have ever known, but she was always there when i was down to offer me the opportunity to give her some love, play tug of war or just pay attention to her. more than once over the course of the last nineteen months that is just what i did. Lucy was the lesson i needed to learn that day she walked into my life, that i am not too broken to give and receive love unconditionally. i remember just before she came into our house chatting with my sponsor that i had come to the conclusion i only had so much room in my heart and i had to be picky about how i doled that out. i had come to see myself as being too broken to ever care about those who were only acquaintances as my capacity to love was limited, unlike others. Lucy's arrival, set me on this part of my recovery journey by showing me that my capacity to love grows as much as it needs to, to love all those who are in my life and the pain i feel when they are hurting or gone, is a measure of that love. my morning is certainly emptier today as i do not have my lap buddy to sit with me as i listen for what i need to hear. the house is quieter as i do not hear her claws tick, tick, ticking across the floor as she ventures back and forth from the office to the bedroom, making sure she is not missing anything from either member of her pack and as the tears fall once again, i am grateful that little was part of my life for the little bit of time we got to be part of hers and yes, who knows there might just be another dawg in the house again, just not today.
so as i wipe the tears from my eyes, hit the showers and head on over to work, i will remember that demonstrating my love does not mean i have to allow myself to be shamed into doing something =that violates my principles. it sucks to be me this morning, but it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞