Blog entry for:

i myself rarely turn over my own character defects until i become painfully aware of them.
well, i changed the thought, because what i am needing to have tolerance about is not other members today, no it is my family members that i am needing to be tolerant about. their defects are more than obvious to me, and they are as blind to their sh!t, as i can be to mine. it is funny i have two dads here and a mom who is just beside herself on an emotional roller coaster, lubricated by her "one glass of wine." of course, as i waltz through the catalog of slights, imagined or real, i get to kick it down with being a martyr, after all, can’t they see how far i have come. the honest truth is that they may see, but do not understand, and when i drop back into those old comfortable character defects, their old impressions are reflections of my current behavior. i could really use a meeting and unfortunately that may not be possible without driving 90 minutes this evening. ironically, when i was a kid, in the very early days of addiction i made that same drive to score alcohol, as this was a dry county way back then, so perhaps i will do the same this evening. i know there is always the alternative of another fellowship, but is convenience really an altar that i should get down and prostrate myself before? it is not that the idea of using has reached an obsession about, but i do want to escape the pressures of dealing with those whom i love the most. i want to escape the pressures of fulfilling roles that i have long moved away from, and yet i could cave, play the games they ALL KNOW and make amends later. however the amends i will need to make is to me, and hurting myself is not what i am about these days.
but back to topic, i am getting quite a few lessons in tolerance and i will am certain that the lessons will continue to come fast and furious as the days continue.
so what i am hearing from with and without me today, is be present for myself, my family and life in general and do what i need to do. as the day continues, make my plans to go where i need to go and do what i need to do, which just may be a road trip to sustain my recovery, but is certainly a day trip with my loved ones and then come back to work!
so off to the showers and into my day.

∞ DT ∞