Blog entry for:

i will remember that i need the message and the group.
round two, fat fingered what i was writing and really was quite lost in what i wanted to say. i was going down the path of pedestals, those i built for myself, those that others placed me upon and those i placed some of my peers up on. in reality none of that fit this morning, on my first day of vacation. no what i heard as i started my day, much later than normal was more about being who i am, showing that to those around me and living in that skin, comfortably and without shame or conceit. as i sat with one of the men that call me their sponsor this morning, i could see why he was ghosting me for the past few months, when i asked him how he was doing. i have been there and done that. there have been times in my recovery when i felt this or that and thought i “should be” better than this or that it was so trivial that i did not need to “bother” my sponse with what was going on. after making that decision, i often would get worse, then the shame of not coming forward when the shit hit the fan, made me avoid anywhere i might run into him. of course, when we finally sat down and i dumped all that was going on, 🤮 he just giggled a bit and told me that i never, ever had to feel shame about not coming to him whenever i felt the need. in fact he said NOTHING that had me spinning was too trivial to talk to him about. 🤯
moving into the here and now, i am still feeling the effects of closing out my Mom's estate and the relief i am getting from consciously forgiving her and clearing the way for me to grieve, just a little bit. i have been freezing my emotions over her death for the past eleven months, through my anger, resentment and disappointment with how she allowed herself to slip away. i now see that she could not reconcile how she got to that point with where she had the desire to be, i can find all sorts of folks to blame that on, but my Mon and Dad were adults and understood the risks and consequences of the path they took. it is unfortunate that they bought the whole bill of goods, rater than getting a second or third opinion. the did not future-proof their lives, in any sense of the word and were brought down by events beyond their control, by trusting their friends to steer them in the correct direction. i am grateful that those folks, their friends, are not part of my life and never will be. i miss my Mom and Dad and as the next days will probably bring a torrent of feelings as the dam of my stoicism bursts, i know that i have people in my life that i can reach out to, if and when i get overwhelmed. it is, after all a good day to feel whatever i need to feel.

∞ DT ∞