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i do not always know how to act. i sometimes wonder whether i am a child who has somehow been put into an adult body and given adult responsibilities. and that is just the start of the pondering that goes on, once i start down this path. does this mean i am still a child? well in many ways i still am. recovery has presented me the opportunity, however, to choose whether or not i want to remain a child or not. how do i have that sort of choice? quite simply, i can choose to be responsible for my recovery, and IF i choose to be responsible for my recovery today, than and only then can i take the action necessary to be an active part of that process. that process than will present me the opportunity to grow-up. yeah, yeah, yeah, it is the same F*CKING refrain, participate and grow, slack and let the default occur. i tire of hearing the exact same thing over and over again, especially when it is coming out of my own mouth. intellectually i understand that is because this whole recovery gig is quite simple, it is me that wants to make it complicated and deep, after all, that is part of how i see myself, complex and deep. just like a child trying to impress the adults in my life, with a bit of knowledge that sounds so wise. the reality of the situation is just like those adults who nod and smile, so as not to hurt my feelings, i often come off the same way to my peers in recovery. the irony is, the harder i try to be wise and knowing the less i really am. and that realization stings a bit.
and realizations such as that are part and parcel of growing up. yes, i may have taken month long vacations in the stratosphere, where it was really hard to hold my breath, but those days are gone, and the sooner i let go of the romantic notions i have about what those days were like, the sooner i will grow into the man i always wanted to be.
so go or grow seems to be what is ringing in my ears this morning, and i choose…
…drum roll please…
i choose to grow -- off to the races --

∞ DT ∞