Blog entry for:

beyond depending on people, places, and things to provide all that i seem to be unable or unwilling to do for myself? based on what i have observed in the past few days, my emotional reactions and my responses, that question is certainly one that is germane. in my little fantasy world, i am well-liked by everyone and everything i say is taken as **THE WORD.** as extreme as that may sound, it certainly is the attitude i walked into the rooms with when my ass was forced to sit here for a bit of time. eventually, i had to come to terms with what was real, what was hopeful, what was wishful thinking and what was just a pipe dream. separating my needs, wants and desires into those four buckets is an ongoing task and is part of thew FOURTH STEP i am doing my best to distract myself from writing. i see that, separating reality from everything else, as part of the growing process that was referenced in the reading this morning.
part of what keep playing over and over again in my head, is how much influence do i really have in my life. am i trapping myself in a never-ending carousel of approval-seeking, because i do not approve of myself? am i basing my self-esteem and self-respect on the respect and esteem i get from my family members, my peers and my acquaintances? have i decided that my bank account and the objects i have accumulated are the measure of my self-worth? it certainly is telling that i can ask those questions, rhetorical or not, as within me these days, is an unnatural calm and a level of serenity i have never seen before. because my “internal” landscape does not match a state that i know and may be familiar with, i have to do a deep dive and wonder if i am living in a fantasy here, or if this is just what it is.
moving forward into this day, i can see that there are more than a few “bomb craters” i need to navigate, mostly around my relationships with my co-workers. that happens to be the biggest source of my angst these days. the chaos that is swirling around me is not a source of distress, hence my previous comments about my internal landscape. i am going to accept this a gift today, be grateful for the peace i may have found and see if i can sneak a good walk in this morning, before anyone at work notices i may be gone. it is a good day to allow myself to grow into the person i never thought i could be.

∞ DT ∞