Blog entry for:

i take responsibility for the maintenance of my spiritual condition. so i had to tell someone yesterday, that i would no longer be here to rescue them from the consequences of their actions. it was one of the hardest things i have ever told anyone, and of course now i am second guessing myself. was i too brutal, too uncaring, too hasty or anything down that line of thought. i want what i want, and so do they. as i think back over my feelings, my reactions to those feelings, emotionally and spiritually, i can see that in the cold light of dawn this morning that what i did, was the best for me, and perhaps for the other party as well. when i spoke to them before they did what they did, i reminded them that the consequence for using was always incarceration, as that has been their history. well once again, that is where they find themselves and they still need someone to go pick up the pieces of their life for them. i understand that as a class, addicts do not make consistently good decisions.i also realize, that relapse is part of the recovery landscape, and i too, can use at any time. i also realize that sometimes what looks and feels like being helpful, is just enabling them to continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over again, and there comes a time when i have to stop, tale a look at my part in this process and decide whether or not i want to continue the dance. yesterday was that day in this addict's life and i finally said NO MORE!
what does that have to do with growing up? well right off the top of my head, i finally took a step that was almost as painful for me as it was for the other party. the end result is that i did not die, i did not use, and when i consider where i am, i see that everything my head was telling me was about HOW I LOOKED and ignored how i felt. a behavior that has been part of my life since i was a pup. of course, writing this reminded me of yet another string that needed to be severed, and that too will be accomplished today as i work through the pile of backlog on my desktop. facing my responsibilities and looking for no one to rescue me, is a symptom of maturity. running and hiding from my feeling by diving into one diversion after another is a symptom of the ongoing insanity of active addiction. well today i chose being a grown-up and taking care of business, which implies the time has come to wrap this up and move on to my next task for the day. i can do that with a clear conscience because, just for today, i can grow up just a bit more.

∞ DT ∞