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of my maturity is not something i consider very often, in fact, i hardly ever consider it at all. i often look in the mirror and wonder who that old man i see there really is, as i do not remember growing so old and certainly do not feel as if i am over sixty-five. so it goes, the decades of my youth spent in active addiction, still warp my perception of reality, especially when it comes to seeing myself, as i really am. so i am going off for a run, before i get this little exercise done. i may be sixty-five, but i am unwilling to allow myself to look or feel like some sort of old man.
after putting 10K under my sneakers, i feel great. i am not sure if working my aging body in the manner that i have been for the past few years, is a sign of maturity or all about “looking good.” i certainly have dropped the inches that i once considered “ugly” but, i have also improved my endurance, my cholesterol and A1C values, so i guess i am doing good for myself, even though it was greed and the love of money that motivated me to get rolling on this program. now that i am getting fit, i have the desire to see the world from the top of Mount Kilimanjaro. i have taken a peek at what it might cost for that expedition itself and i see that is within my means, if i choose to save my pennies to do so. unlike the “pipe dreams” i used to have as i sat getting buzzed with my using buddies, i can make this desire a reality, which might also be a measure of maturity, as i am in the physical shape to make that attempt.
looking at what lies ahead, i know i have to find the ways and means to care for my Mom without feeling that it is a burden. the silent treatment is saving my ass, as i am certain if she really asked me a question, i might give her an answer she would find very unpalatable. a measure of my maturity would be to find the path to accepting her as she is: shallow, vain and totally self-absorbed, living a lonely life in a house that is far too large for her. my p[lace is to move along and see that no matter what, she is not going to change, as she does not see any need to do so. it sucks that i am the one who has to give here, but without a doubt, surrendering to what is, is certainly one more measure of maturity.
it is odd that the less i feel the need for approval and displays of gratitude, the more bothered i am by disrespect and insincerity. i guess there is still a bit more work to do there as well. anyhow it is a good day to smoke a cigar or two, hang with some smoking buddies and watch some football. it is a day that i can walk through without having to expect anything from anyone, just for today.

∞ DT ∞