Blog entry for:

the opportunity for unlimited growth.
i got a letter yesterday from a man i had been working with for a few years now, that said he was done with the program. he had grown to the place where he was too uncomfortable with his current situation and instead of pushing through, he took the easy way out and decided that it was time to quit. it saddens me, that a person, who was growing in isolation, against all odds, decided he was no longer worth his effort. this sort of thing happens all the time, and it is not the first time that an addict has gone it this direction, nor is it the first time i have been fired as a sponsor because addiction won out. nevertheless, i do feel sad, when i see the potential of a person get swallowed into the darkness of active addiction. my hope? that he will decide that he is worth it and come back to the program. my job? to let him go and give him over into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
learning to walk in FAITH, has been my lesson in growing up over the past few months, and as i practice this, in the her and now, i am coming to realize that it means in good times as well as bad. i cannot save anyone, and although i know this to be true, sometimes i still access that withering branch of my belief structure that tells me that yes i can. growing up in recovery is one of the toughest things i have ever done. yes, i know resistance is futile, that if i keep doing the gig to the best of my ability, growth is the inevitable consequence. the choice therefor becomes quite clear, stop doing the active recovery gig and stop growing OR accept the results.
i want, i want, i want, and yet, when i get i am sometimes not pleased with the results. is desire truly the root of my misery? there are spiritual paths that seem to suggest that is certainly the case. my path seems to be learning to allow desire to be a part of my life but to temper it with balance. i can see this morning that desire uncheckable is a consequence of active addiction. like some sort of eternal two year old, i scream and pitch tantrums when that unchecked desire goes unmet. however, unlike that two year old, i am seeing that i get what i need and the POWER that fuels my recovery, is no different than a parent teaching a child that what they want is not what they always get, no matter how loud they scream for it.
do i like this? some days i do, like growing up, and others i long for the days of perpetual infancy that active addiction allows. this morning, i am ambivalent as to whether or not i am grateful for growing up. as a result, i think i will grudgingly go hit the shower and get on with my day, to see if i can get at least a few desires met. that too, is part of growing up, doing the deed, regardless of what my current set of desires is demanding.

∞ DT ∞