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the checkbook, the children, the job, the responsibilities. as i sit here this morning, i ended up taking a phone call from a friend who is tin the grips of active addiction. i need not go into the details, as those details are far from relevant to me. as i listened his voice, as desperate as it was, i wanted to say, “shut the fVck up, grow up, stop whining and get you sorry a$$ over to DETOX!”
the voice, a blast form the not so distant past, as it were, reminded me of the days when i could not or would not think for myself and allowed events and other people to sweep me along in the tide of life on life's terms. even clean, it took me quite some time, to learn to take responsibility for my life, make decisions on my own and accept the consequences of those decisions. of course, i did not want to grow up. i wanted to remain childish and childlike and blame the world and anybody else for the sh!thole my life had somehow been transformed into.
there were a lot of different things i COULD have done this morning on that phone call, and most of them i was and still am unwilling to do, as i do NOT want to face the consequences for the possible outcomes. first and foremost, though, i am clean, and i am not off in my not so shiny white armor to rescue him, once again. the fantasy that i CAN save anyone, has long been revealed to me nothing more than smoke and mirrors, that i used to distract me from the realities of living life as an adult. sure i want to look at the world as a child does, with wonderment and amazement. sure i want to be silly, have fun and make snow angels from time to time. living life as the adult i am becoming does not preclude that, in fact it allows me to do so. the only way i can gain the FREEDOM to live in that manner, is to remain a member of the “NO MATTER WHAT” club. when all is said and done, growing up does not need to be any more heinous, trying or even distasteful than practicing a program of active recovery. nope, growing up is just that, a gift of my on-going recovery program. honestly. after listening top the voice on the other end of that phone, i was struck with a sense of gratitude that it was NOT me. i will take, bills, checkbooks, job and all the trappings of my life over the couch-surfing nomadic existence of my friend. today i am FREE from active addiction and it is time to hop into the shower and head on down to that adult-like world called my job.

∞ DT ∞