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always know how to act, even after a minute clean. something that i once heard one of my peers says, was that they never wanted to grow up. their behavior seems to reflect this attitude in their lack of maturity, especially when it comes to taking care of the business of others. i could go on, but that would demonstrate my lack of maturity. as i sat this morning, it became clear to me, that what was really bugging me, was not that what they said was quite different from what they do, rather it was i could not let myself act in a similar manner. better put, i have the desire to take control and acting like a spoiled brat and putting the blame on my desire to remain “child-like.” to say the least, i was more than a little bit uncomfortable as i sat this morning.
so being jealous and envious of someone else being childish came home to roost, when i realized pretending someone was not in the room, was in the same vein. of course, i could justify my behaviors by saying that this person is one of the most toxic, closed-minded and disrespectful work of human flesh with whom i have shared space. ignoring them, prevented me from saying or doing something that may have risen to the level of having to make an amends. being childish trumps the adult behavior of owning my wrongs, face-to-face, every single time. i was stuck between two choices, and i chose the least hurtful of them, as i did not have it in my heart to be respectful or even curtly courteous at the time.
it would be wonderful if i could maintain my childlike wonder and attitudes without behaving in a childish manner. although one does not necessarily follow the other, it is difficult for me to separate them out, as i am not  well” enough to be a childlike adult, in attitude only. i can and do have fun, and not being childlike does not preclude acting goofy or seeing the world in new and wonderful ways. pouting and throwing little fits when things do not go my way, or acting as if i have to take care of all the toys in the sandbox, are certainly not symptoms of how “well” i am becoming. as i grow up, and yes that is a process i want to foster, i can learn to be an adult and still be myself. i do not have to impose my views on others, have supreme recovery or beat myself up for choosing the least damaging behavior when i allow myself the choice.
being an adult today means that after three weeks of being out of the office, i need to shower, shave and head on down to the new one. although there is a part of me, that is excited to get out of the house for eight hours, there is another part of me that dreads the actual driving part. i am grateful i have the opportunity to go to work, as my adult responsibilities require a paycheck. it is a good day to be clean and yes to be a part of fostering a process that allows me to grow up and be the sort of man i have always wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞