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my spiritual condition, the basis of my recovery. so if one were to ask this morning, i would say, based on how i feel spiritually i am quite the adult. that is not, however the best measurement, the quality of my spiritual condition needs to be as objectively measured as possible, and for me, that mean evaluating how i am behaving, and what i am reacting to today. oh yeah, before i go to deep, the test that was suggested was i dependent upon people, places and things to make me feel better. that is quite a test, and certainly one top consider before i get to far afield.
i see this all around me, and i marvel at how i ever got and stayed clean. i was so dependent on things and places to make me feel better, once the drugs were gone, that i was sick and childish for quite some time. using service and coming to depend on feeling like i was someone, back in those early days, made me look grown-up, and as i work through the EIGHTH STEP, i will certainly be looking for any quantifiable harm i did, back in those days. buying stuff and acquiring the latest bright and shiny toy, always made me feel better, especially when i was the first kid on the block with that particular gadget. and when i wanted someone to do something and my old manner of manipulation failed to produce the results i wanted? well i a quick trip through the literature, and i could find just the right phrase to spiritually bully another addict to seeing things my way, sometimes whole rooms of full of them. chiming in, loudly, on every discussion, because i think my opinion based on my years of service experience is NEEDS to be heard, is far from contributing to forming a group conscience.
i understand what drives all this today, my defects of character, i also am entirely ready to have them removed, but i resist, as part of me thinks that this is being childlike and not childish. well i have a hint for you, childlike does not suit me well. at 55 years of age, throwing petulant frenzies and not sharing my toys are far from being spiritually fit. i want to…
this morning? well i had a BAD day yesterday, from the time i got into the car, until the time i laid my head on the pillow. i could do nothing correctly and i broke everything i happened to touch. this morning, while listening and trying to see the difference between childish and childlike, i came to the conclusion that they were one in the same for me. childlike was my smoke screen for being an a$$hole. i can still gaze at the world with wonder, in a childlike manner, but behind that wonder is a man who longs to come into his own. i can still laugh, giggle and spout nonsensical insults with my friends, that is part of me as well, and part of me i know i will never lose. after all, the fear of me growing up, has always been rooted in what i see as being far too serious, but i am a serious guy, so i have to accept that as well, and allow myself to have fun. today, i do not require any dependents and hopefully my dependence will be on the healthy side and not to make me feel or look any better than i am. it is a good day to be growing up, without month long vacations in the stratosphere.

∞ DT ∞