Blog entry for:

in recovery? yes, i certainly have done so. as i sit here on my first day of being unemployed for the first time in years and years, i can see that when i got clean, i was far from being any sort of responsible for my life. i have spent the past five weeks, working hard to keep my job, and in the end it was not enough. i am not whining, as i did what i could, i owned that the job was a stretch for me and nerded as hard as i could to “power my way through it.” i am skipping my home group and the rationalization i used to allow myself to not get all weird about that, is i am now unemployed so i can attend the nooner on Monday. the fact of the matter is, i want to get some stuff accomplished this morning and i am in a space where i do not want to talk about my current employment situation. i juts want to quietly assess my prospects make some plans for the immediate future and get a workout in, before the temperature drops below freezing, as it is already doing.
i get that i am in a tougher situation than i was yesterday and yes i need to loving support of my peers in recovery. i could put a huge BUT in here, but i will leave it at that. right here and right now, i want to run, make a trip to Sam's Club, checkout enrolling in Medicare and unemployment, and watch some football in the smoke-filled environment of my local Brick and Mortar cigar store. what i do not want to do is feel rushed about getting that stuff in and having to cut short any sort of conversation with those who support me. as my sponse suggested, perhaps i just need a minute or two to take it easy and chill, as i seek out my next gig, and i agree with him. that does not mean to sit home and expect a new job to drop from like manna for the Israelites in the desert. i have restarted all my job searches on all the job sites, i am going to get up every day and work on my skills. most importantly i am not going to see myself as a failure, i attempted a job that was way beyond my current skills and fell short. if i never took that risk, i would not be here today, stronger, more confident and more determined than ever to succeed. it is a good day to get up off my ass and get some miles under my belt, letting go of the lie that i am a failure, because i did not succeed.

∞ DT ∞