Blog entry for:

like a child depending on its parents for everything, i do indeed have some growing to do.
this reading reminds me of the Bruce Springsteen song, Growing Up, especially the verse that goes; "i took month-long vacations in the stratosphere, and you know it’s really hard to hold your breath"
i find my recovery very similar when someone tells me to grow up i often throw up, not that i am still rebellious nor that i take vacations from recovery, but i do take vacations from step work and the result is generally a spiritual state very similar to a heavy does of nausea. so when i get around to this particular entry, i can react in a variety of ways. this morning i took the reading to heart and actually looked at the yardstick offered as a tool to gauge where i am sitting this morning on the whole spiritual growth chart. that place is not too bad, although i still fall short of the ideal of not depending on people, places and things to provide my inner satisfaction, i am much better than i ever was.
the most ironic part was that after my month long vacation i actually wrote a bit of step work last night and stumbled across this very concept in the piece of my fourth step i was writing last night.
i would hate to admit to anyone, including myself, that i depended on other people to fill my inner void, but it is now very evident to me that my entire fourth step has been about that exact issue in so many ways, that it makes me more than a bit sad. good thing that the next section i get to write on is a positive look at myself and that soon i will share my shit, secret or not with my sponsor. the time has come to finish this little piece of growth and move on to the next one, whatever that may happen to be.
yes i am growing up in the fellowship that has presented me with a new manner of living. yes i am willing to take responsibility to maintain my spiritual condition. BUT man it sucks to stumble across a land mine of this nature when i thought i was doing so well. so i think i will go out and meet my responsibilities and see what happens today. life is about change and growing up is a positive change for me today!

∞ DT ∞