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... we addicts already have this disease -- and further, that without this disease i might have never have embarked on this spiritual journey. today, i am grateful for everything that has brought me this blessing. the whole cause and effect argument. if i had not suffered the slings and arrows of active addiction, i would have never embarked ob this particular spiritual journey. so in effect, the end -- a spiritual journey, justifies the means, suffering at the hand of addiction. quite a lot to swallow this warm and sunny Monday morning. i can accept this is i put just a slight twist on the whole argument, one that i hear repeated often in the rooms, i had to go through every second of active addiction to be ready to look for a new manner of living. that is true, before i reached that point, i was positive that i did not even have a problem with drugs, in fact when i told the judge i was an addict, i was certain i was lying at the time. and it took another eleven months after that first time i called myself an addict out loud, to reach that point of desperation. was i stupid? was i a slow study? the answer to both of those questions is no. in fact i was smart enough and clever enough, to continue the illusion in my own head, that despite evidence to the contrary, i had no problem with drugs and was not, had never been and never would be an addict. that belief system was fostered by my intelligence and spinning the facts of the nature of my life in those final days.
not that when i reached that point, was i ever certain about this spiritual journey, nor was i ever certain i would have anything of substance to offer anyone else. i was certain that like all the endeavors in my life, i would soon tire of the whole gig, forget that i ever had any interest in it at all, and move on to the next great thing in my life, forgetting my entire, brief foray through recovery. that statement, even i as i wrote just drips with such incredible irony, that i am still chuckling over it. because here i sit, a few thousand days later, gratefully accepting the pain and suffering that led to that decisions all those days ago, because what i have today is far beyond my wildest drug or withdrawal induced dreams. no i would not wish addiction on anyone, nor would i ever force someone to swallow the fact that they have paid for their seat in the rooms with a lifetime of suffering and pain. all i know that sitting from this vantage point, all of that looks so much different than it did back then, and i gratefully accept that it took every second of pain to get this point. i was ready when i was ready, and like those addicts who are still suffering in active addiction today, i was incapable of making the choice to start on this path until i had no alternative.
so where is the HOPE? well, what i see is that no matter what sort of person i was, no matter how smart, no matter how dependent on drugs, no matter how broke, i could and do recover and live a life based on spiritual principles, on day at a time. so back to meeting a few of my responsibilities and seeing what i can accomplish today.

∞ DT ∞