Blog entry for:

without it, i would neither have sought nor found the blessing of recovery. yes i hear myself saying it now, i am grateful to be an addict. the delicious irony in that statement is hardly lost on me. i was going to run this morning, but after i started, i accepted that to do so, would be to risk injury or worse, because although the roads look clear, they are slicker than i thought. how does that relate to recovery and the irony of being an addict. well, these days i can pause and consider, in active addiction i simply react. had i been in my active disease this morning, i would have been DAMN THE TORPEDOES, FULL SPEED AHEAD, running regardless of the risk of injury, after all, getting the workout in right here and right now, is much more important than having the ability to do so, tomorrow. immediate gratification satisfied and all that psychobabble bullsh!t.
being and addict and finding recovery, has allowed me to develop more than a bit of insight about how i roll, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. this morning i understand, that the reward of getting a workout in, is outweighed by the risk of once again injuring myself due to a slip and do not fall. a nagging injury that happened almost sixty days ago, that i am still dealing with today and so it goes.
before i came to recovery, my life was a series of disasters, for which i was a volunteer. i blamed everything and everyone else in my life, for my life, such as it was. the beauty of recovery, i thought, when i finally came to accept the program and decided to become a member, is that now i could blame everything that ever went wrong on addiction, and once again get a ‘get out of jail free card’, so to speak. much to my surprise and chagrin, as i stayed around, and did what was suggested by those whom i came to trust, i was smacked upside the head with just the opposite, i could no longer be a victim to addiction, i had a bit of knowledge and with that came the sense of responsibility and empowerment of a program of active recovery.
there are times when i would like to say, "woe is me, i am just a poor suffering addict." i could probably get away with it, however, sooner or later my program would catch up and i would still be stuck taking responsibility once again. for me, it is more painful to accept that responsibility after the fact, so the easier and softer way is to do so up front. yes i have a sponsor, yes i am actively working a step, yes i am going to meetings, yes i attend the same meetings on a regular basis, and yes i maintain contact with another addict in recovery every single day. i do these things, not because they are the correct thing to do (they are by the way) but because i get the blessings of recovery only by being an active participant in my recovery, that is how it works for me, for anyone else, it is probably the same, but that is not for me to say.
so since i am on altered plans, it is time to move forward and see what i can get done today.

∞ DT ∞