Blog entry for:

when i stop playing the i am a victim of addiction card. this morning, as i pondered the TRUTH about my current spiritual state, i saw that besides seeing what i disliked in myself, in others, the other thing i was allowing myself to fall victim to, is to expect MORE from those around me and to get my undies twisted in a bun, when they failed to do so. to the woman driver in the SUV on CO 66 west of Main st, who believed it was her “natural right” for me to yield to her desire to get in my lane, when her lane ended, i say this (🖕). i wonder how many participation awards you were given as you grew up, as you certainly are sadly deluded about merging into the through lane. i do have to admit it was quite fun to drive her to a place of distraction and “make her day.” ah, this is about me and not necessarily about others. i took two lessons away from yesterday, i can be as self-entitled on the road as anyone else and i am still “sick” enough to take perverse pleasure in frustrating total strangers.
sitting quietly this morning, after dealing with what i learned yesterday, a notion bubbled up from the depths that maybe i could and should be grateful for having a spiritual path that allowed me to be freed from the twin prisons of addiction and self-victimization. for the longest time, i saw addiction as a trap and a cruel condition foisted upon me by some sick twist of genetic and cultural fate. that is, after i finally came to terms with being an addict and accepted that as fact. i lived in a world of “alternative facts” and only through applying the principles of a spiritual program in my daily life, did i ever find some relief from the hell i put myself in and the rock i chained myself to. the crows of self-doubt, self-loathing and self-pity, no longer need to feast upon my liver. unless i choose to allow them back into my life, through bouts of returning to victim-hood. my issues with my aging parents are exactly that, a return to a state of being when i could not see my part in anything at all. denial and expectations go hand-in-hand, in keeping me sick. the bars of the prison, start to form. as i allow myself to slide down that slippery slope, starting with the pleasure of making that “Karen” get behind me in traffic. when i choose to ignore the warning signs, i get in trouble. did i do anything wrong? nope i was obeying the traffic laws. could i have let her get between me and the car in front of me, why yes i could have. would i have fallen into a self-deprecating trap of being a “sucker” by being a bit kinder? who knows🙻 this morning what i do know, is that i need a bit more patience, tolerance and acceptance, before i step out into the “real” world. a run in this frigid dawn, may be just the release i am seeking this morning and i believe that is the next activity i am going to engage in, before i start interacting with others, outside of my home.
i am truly a victim no more, but i am certainly an addict. how i got there is no longer relevant, it is where i am going in recovery that matters today and yes, the curse of addiction has been morphed into the blessing of recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞