Blog entry for:

to care for me in my time of need, rather than driving them away with: **I GOT THIS!!** i certainly am not the sort of person who finds a silver lining in every cloud or who believes that the challenges i face are situations that make me stronger. yes, i still have a very strong streak of cynicism in me, but it is no longer my default position. railing against injustice and the unfairness of it all, still pop off the stack of my behaviors with little or no forethought. what has changed, however, is that i do not dwell in that particular house of pain for as long as i used to. instead of whining about the problem, more times than not, i take my own advice and run what is happening through the Serenity Prayer filter, deciding if this is something i have the ability to change, or simply something i have to learn to accept. part of that process is when someone sees that i may need a hand, i allow them into my life, to help me muddle through to acceptance or the solution.
one might look at that as a strategy of optimism, and i guess i can agree with that assessment. it certainly is a new and different manner of looking at things, at least for this addict. in the past, i certainly saw that as a sign of weakness, as i wanted to look better than i was actually doing. learning to let go of “looking good,” is a project that i have been working on for almost my entire time in recovery. what i am coming to see, is that looking good was part of hiding who i was and living the lie that i was too broken to allow others to my real self. i may still have no idea who that person is, but at least i am no longer hiding him under a bushel. in the hustle and bustle of my daily life, i want to be sincere, forgiving and freed from the judgement machine that i so carefully crafted over the years. that too, might be seen as a strategy of optimism. i can certainly see a sunnier side of the street when i live in that space.
as i am in the office and sitting at my desk, i am certainly grateful that the traffic gods were kind to me this morning. it was a decent commute and i did not chew my cigar to death on the journey through Denver. just for today, i will let go of what i cannot change and embrace whatever it is, that i can. i am okay, exactly as i am right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞