Blog entry for:

the path to freedom begins with acceptance of who and what i am. sometimes there is such synergy in life it is spooky. last night, a relapse queen chose a selection about gratitude as the topic for our meeting. although she blathered on as she does about a whole lot of nothing, she did stumble across an idea that i could latch on to, being grateful for being an addict. she was NOT grateful for being one, but i realized that i was, and still continue to be grateful for being an addict today. i shared about that gratitude last night, as much as i could in a meeting full of detox clients, but this morning i am struck by how much i feel that gratitude.
i am a grateful addict, because the condition of addiction is a simple and encompassing explanation for the insanity that inhabits the space between my ears. i said that last night and then went into the fluff i often do at that particular meeting, good stuff, program stuff, but fluff nevertheless, as that is where i was taken when i let go and let my mouth just say what it needed to say. this morning however, i can get a bit more in depth with why i am grateful to be an addict and how that gratitude can be applied in the reality that i face today. that reality or better put, my perception that of that reality is colored by the part of me i call my addiction. understanding and accepting that is fine, the worst part of that puzzle, is that i am so used to hearing that voice, that is sounds so sane, so rational, and so reasonable, that what i end up thinking is real, is more than often not real at all, just a warped version of reality to suit the purposes of the part of me i call my addict. here is where the grateful part starts! when i was using, the same thing happened, and i started to wonder if i was insane, as what i saw, or thought i saw, matched no one else's version of reality. coming to recovery, i found out it did not, thanks to my addiction. that simple explanation was so comforting that i have b]never decided to test the waters by seeing if i could do just one. i am still nuts, from time to time. my version of reality does not always jibe with the reality of others. and i still get all pissy about stuff i cannot control. BUT, i can understand and accept that it IS because i am a human being as well as an addict, that causes that stuff to happen, and not because i am some certifiable nut case.
the relapse queen? well there were actually two there last night, and i hope that they both finally catch what i have, THE DESIRE TO STAY CLEAN, NO MATTER WHAT! for me, i do believe i am going to gratefully go out and run three or four miles, just because i can. it is a good day to be in recovery and i am grateful that, just for today, i am not in active addiction.

∞ DT ∞