Blog entry for:

i will pursue the blessing that recovery offers me. so yippy skippy, active addiction sucked, recovery is wonderful, the sun rose today and i need to celebrate all of that and move along in a sheeple sort of way.
well that is not who i am today. i may be a card carrying member of this fellowship, i may have a life beyond my wildest hallucinations way back when and i may have some knowledge and yes even a bit of wisdom about who and what i am, but the fact remains, being an addict SUCKS! all the susie sunshine, candy coating, rose colored glasses crap, cannot change that fact and when i start to believe that addiction and being an addict does anything but suck, than i am ready to attempt that wonderful experiment of just one.
recovery is hard work, and even though i have been clean for a few days now, that work does not get any easier, it just gets different.
so moving beyond the cynicism this morning, where is the fVcking HOPE? the reading attempts to make that evident, that because i am an addict, i have the means in my life to reengage with the world around me, in a healthy manner for a change. that is true, the blessing of being an addict is that i get to get the gifts that recovery offers to addicts only. the irony here is, that if i was not an addict, i would not need most of those gifts, they would be inherent or i would have learned how to do them, when everyone else did. so against that backdrop, this entry seems like a bit of smoke and mirrors, in an attempt to put a positive spin on something as deadly and destructive as addiction. i understand that. in fact, i told a sponsee not too many days ago, something very similar, sometimes it is not what is happening in our lives, it is how we CHOOSE to look at it, that affects how we can feel. the effects of a bit of spin are apparent in my life everyday. one thing, however, is not spin. the program and my desire to live the program, gives me access to a life that was impossible when i was using. i choose my destiny today, by doing my best to live this program and when i fall short, and i do, every single day, finding the grace to forgive myself, admit where i was wrong and move on. that is something i NEVER learned to do, back in the day
anyhow, i have some stuff to do, a meeting, a massage, sit down with a new sponsee, some work and the hour already is more advanced than i want it to be. the clock keeps ticking and my yard sticks are not moving. it is a good day, to allow myself to believe that in this moment, addiction is the BLESSING that nearly killed me.

∞ DT ∞