Blog entry for:

for the condition addiction has left me in, which way back when, was not very good.
instead of hashing through how i was when i got here, i will do a very brief summary, i was a hot mess, steeped in denial, and doing my best to look as normal as possible to the rooms and to society in general. i could go deeper than that, but i think i got my point across and i can move on.
i have been in recovery for a bit of time now, that much is true. i have worked nearly three complete sets in the fellowship that is my home, so one could say i was fairly well-grounded in the recovery process. most importantly, i have yet to walk away from the stuff that kept me clean, back in the beginning. that is not go say, however, that i look at addiction in the same light i once did, and the condition that active addiction had reduced me to, is something that sounds like a cautionary fairy tale, possible but highly improbable.
those who meet today, see the by-product of my acceptance of addiction and of being an addict, my surrender to the program and my effort to implement an active program of recovery in my daily life. they do not see the addict who walked into the rooms and did his level best to disqualify himself from recovery. the man that was only here for compliance with the judicial system and never expected to be sitting here a few days later looking at where he was and where he could be going. the truth of the matter is, i still have a long ways to go, to reach my vision of becoming the man i have always wanted to be. this part of the journey has been a remedial on how to be social and involved in the world around me. i have not all of as sudden been relieved of my social awkwardness, but, i have learned to become more social and how to treat those who are my peers, my co-workers, my friends, my loved ones and random strangers, with a bit more empathy and compassion, then i had when i started this set of steps. i am learning how to be who i am, without having to shout it from the rooftops, or bury under the sh!tpile of false humility. most of all, i am becoming comfortable with the notion that just because what i feel when the word GOD is used, is not the same as most of my peers, and there is of course nothing wrong with that either. i am certain, that addiction is a destructive force in my life, the yin of me, is being balanced every day by the yang of active recovery. recovery and addiction, just like yin and yang, coexist within me, and the program give me the capability to find some balance and peace, from within. it is my actions in the here and now, that allows the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide me the strength to go on, just for today.
those on the margins, as three of my peers, whom i happen to like? well to those gentlemen i can offer this hope, that anytime you are ready to stop allowing addiction to devastate your life, there is a way out, and it does not need to be in a pine-box. i know that i will someday die, and when i do, what happens next is far from relevant to my actions today. today i do my best to be the best Don i can be, and scrape off and repair a little bit more of the damage left by my life in active addiction. that process too, seems to be a journey and not s destination, but i can accept that today, at least just for today.

∞ DT ∞