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where bitterness ends, with acceptance. over the past 24, i have had an avalanche of feelings and heard more than one thing to make me shiver. the end result, for the first time in my life, i am considering walking away from a considerable payday, trading it in for some serenity and getting my life back. i tossed and turned last night, until i accepted it was me that had the problem and sometimes the only solution is to remove myself from the situation. over the course of the next 12 hours, i will make that decision and as i walk through today, i will let go of my frustration, bitterness and anger, so i can honestly feel my way through to the final decision, which as much as i want it to be, has not been decided yet.
using addiction as the template for what i have been whining about, i see the same ideas apply. the person i am working with, just does not understand what i need to hear, and no matter how hard i try, i cannot get them to listen to me, i mean actually listen to me. they appear to be self-absorbed and so tightly invested in their work, that no matter how loud i shout, they are deaf to my pleas. the decision comes down to this, can i continue to work in such a hostile work environment, can i deliver anything at all, or is it better to tell the project manager to send the money back and walk away forever? i accept that the other party will not change, can i accept what i need to accept to continue to interact with them? that is truly the question today and that is the answer i seek, from within.
continuing on with that theme, but in an entirely different tack, i wonder how tired others get of me bitching and moaning about what a terrible situation i have got myself into? sitting at the meeting last night, i heard the practical application of this exact question, from two different sources. what i hear from those examples this morning, is that ultimately my destiny and how i walk through life is up to me. i can sit and whine about how awful i have it because… i can ramble on and on, about absolutely nothing and then scream how awful everyone is when no one appears interested or even are listening anymore, or i can accept that sometimes the consequences of past decisions are not very pleasant, and integrity demands that i honor my commitment and move forward through the bullsh!t i volunteered myself for.
it is however, time to get heading down the road for another commitment, the one that keeps the lights on and the roof over my head, and the one, i am grateful for having today, my job. as the day goes on, i know i will come to a decision that i can honor and live with, i just hope it comes before i need to sleep tonight,

∞ DT ∞