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yes, those words can be used to describe what active addiction was like for me. over the course of my clean-time, i see that recovery is also **NO PICNIC,** either. i can say without any reservations that for this addict anyhow, recovery has been one of the most fear-fraught and difficult phases of my life. there have been days when i wondered if a little **something, something** might be what i needed to cope with what life has dished up for me. i will not pretend that i have always been “all in,” nor have i always been a member of the No Matter What Club. in fact, i used to scoff at my peers who shared that stuff. i still have not arrived in that state of being, but i am dedicated to doing my level best to live a program of recovery.
so, i can feel the eyes rolling when one reads that i am far from all in and yet i do my best to live a program of recovery. for this addict, it is neither sufficient or necessary for me to be all in, but it is both sufficient and necessary for me to live my program. having the desire to stay clean, is a byproduct of living a program of recovery. i can sincerely say that living a program of recovery is not about the substances for me, anymore. the “blessing” that i get is not a drug-free lifestyle, but a process to become a better version of myself. it is not as if i am some sort of “reborn” person who has no relationship with his past. i am the exact same physical person that was dragged into the rooms, kicking and screaming. today, however, that person shares little in common with who i am becoming. here is where i could insert the litany of changes. but i have done that many times before, suffice it to say, that today i am comfortable in my own skin. i recognize where my shortcomings fall and am working on allowing a POWER that is greater than myself to guide and provide for me. i am so glad i moved past the why i used and when and where i became an addict, as the answers to those questions are no more relevant than how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.
with that thought in mind it is off to the showers to get ready for the day ahead. maybe, just maybe, i can listen to what i am being told and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide the opportunities i need to get those things that are necessary for my ongoing recovery.

∞ DT ∞