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across the course of my recovery, i have certainly put a value judgement on whether addiction and recovery were good or bad. after all, when i walked into the rooms, all those days ago, everything had to be one or the other. it was a binary, on or off, black or white world for me, and as a result i was quite rigid, and in a state that could not be sustained without the use of substances and behaviors to t“take me away!” as i grow, i find less and less value in categorizing and placing a value judgement on more and more things and concepts and am learning to accept them, just as part of my reality.
is addiction really the terrible curse i once thought it was? is recovery the blessing that many of my peers proclaim over and over again from the highest rooftops? perhaps, for me, both of those views are too narrow anymore, for me to be comfortable. it certainly is true, that active addiction, brought me to the rooms. it is also true, the only way i could see to get out of the consequences i created, was to stay clean, and the only way i found to stay clean, was in the rooms.
so, as the reading suggests, the misery of active addiction is the cause of my recovery, but i have not been in active addiction for more than a few days in a row now, so is this really a blessing (recovery) that has now turned into a curse? after all, maintaining an active program of recovery is a bit of work, every single day. being honest and open did not come naturally to me, and from time to time, it feels easier to revert to form, rather than actually do the next right thing. social acceptability is also important to me, and HOW i look, is at times more important to me than HOW i FEEL.in my one of my social circles, a quick trip to the dispensary is de rigueur and at times i feel left out. some of my peers skate through life, cheating on their partners, stealing or pretending to be what they are not, seemingly without consequences, and i get envious of them, and wonder if maybe…
then i come back to reality for me. could i live a life of fraud, deceit and larceny? once upon a time, i could, but the dang steps and my journey through recovery has removed my desire to do so, and here i am stuck being a “two-shoes” and wondering if it is really hip to be square. which brings me back to my original premise, addiction was not the curse and evil i once made it out to be, and recovery is not the yellow brick road that some of my peers claim it is, at least to me. active addiction sucked for the most part, and i do not regret having another day clean. recovery is tough, especially when there are those in my life who can use without consequences, just because they are not an addict like me. addiction and recovery may be a binary state, but both have their up-sides. today i CHOOSE to stay on the recovery side of that binary state, and as a result choose to work a program of active recovery, not just say those magic words and expect the world to beat a path to me door, telling me how great i am.
today i am just what i am, an addict, who choose to do whatever it takes to grow a bit more into the person i have always wanted to be.
GOOD -- BAD -- OR INDIFFERENT!

∞ DT ∞