๐ง i still bear ๐ง
Posted: Sat, Feb 22, 2025 02:20:43 PM
the scars from my previous attempts at trusting others, even after i have been clean for a minute. some of them the more long-lasting ones, are from situations that i had no power over and from people whom i trusted and loved. over time, the pain from those scars has diminished, but for this addict anyhow, those scars will always be a part of me. my choice is whether or not i choose to dwell in that house of pain and isolate and keep myself protected, or take the risk and put myself “out there.” those unpleasant experiences and the hurt i felt for time immemorial, continue to shape my recovery today, however, i no longer allow them to determine my path through my life. i have learned that i can trust, i can be intimate and i can survive the transient pain of being betrayed, as that too shall pass.
as i went over step work with a man who calls me his sponsor this morning, i reflected on how step work changed me from being an insular asshole, into being the man i am today. once upon a time, i would have just listened and saved all my comments until my sponsee had finished reading what he had written. these days, i participate in that process, sharing the bits of myself that are appropriate to what they are sharing. i do not know if that brings me any closer to them, as my intention is to show them that i did not get to where i am, overnight. i have found the ways and means to be present for those in my life, to maintain and foster a loving and equal relationship and how to be a friend and confidant. none of that was possible back in the day and there is much to say about using the men i called my sponsors to teach me that not everyone is out to get me and that trust and concern is not a zero sum game. just for today, i think i will leave it at that and get out to enjoy this bout of spring-like weather in the Rockies.
as i went over step work with a man who calls me his sponsor this morning, i reflected on how step work changed me from being an insular asshole, into being the man i am today. once upon a time, i would have just listened and saved all my comments until my sponsee had finished reading what he had written. these days, i participate in that process, sharing the bits of myself that are appropriate to what they are sharing. i do not know if that brings me any closer to them, as my intention is to show them that i did not get to where i am, overnight. i have found the ways and means to be present for those in my life, to maintain and foster a loving and equal relationship and how to be a friend and confidant. none of that was possible back in the day and there is much to say about using the men i called my sponsors to teach me that not everyone is out to get me and that trust and concern is not a zero sum game. just for today, i think i will leave it at that and get out to enjoy this bout of spring-like weather in the Rockies.
∞ DT ∞