โ denial keeps me from appreciating just how badly i really need new ideas and new direction. โ
Posted: Fri, Apr 11, 2008 11:10:42 AM
by admitting my powerlessness and recognizing how truly unmanageable my life has become, i allow myself to see how much i need what the fellowship has to offer. and boy oh boy is the denial of my active addiction in force this morning. i allowed someone to take over my meditation this morning, then acted out on one of my character defects and ended up having to admit i was wrong, all before i even got in the shower. well that being said, i have bunches on my plate to accomplish before i knock off for the day, and although i need to get it done, right now it is important for me to write through what i am feeling this morning, so that my obsessive compulsive side can be satisfied that i am ready to put aside the outcome of events of the next couple of weeks.
i like the whole concept of denial, it works on so many levels for this addict, and allows me to blissfully sail through whatever i feel like doing in the here and now. it allows me the creative freedom to act out and not have any consequences and most of all it is the tool that protects me from myself. so much to my chagrin, when the spiritual being that happens to be locked in this human shell, discovers that he has been living in denial, the whole cascade of worthlessness is started.
well this morning i am deciding to stop that particular slide into uselessness and address this in the her and now. i may want to be perfect, and i may think i have all the answers and i may be correct, but that does not entitle me to take liberties with those with whom i have built a trust relationship, as was the case this morning. i have already taken care of what needs to be taken care of in that respect and was forgiven for what i saw was my transgressions in this respect, and moved on. an extra meditation session and some obsessive work flow was a genuine and necessary good thing for me, and it helped me recenter and reground myself into the real world. that world is hardly to my liking this morning, but right now, i can tolerate it, and with a bit more practice tolerance will change into acceptance. yes i can keep denying what is going on, yes i can beat myself up for my behaviors or i can just accept all of that stuff is part of my human condition and move on. which i do believe is called for right now.
so into the breech i venture!
i like the whole concept of denial, it works on so many levels for this addict, and allows me to blissfully sail through whatever i feel like doing in the here and now. it allows me the creative freedom to act out and not have any consequences and most of all it is the tool that protects me from myself. so much to my chagrin, when the spiritual being that happens to be locked in this human shell, discovers that he has been living in denial, the whole cascade of worthlessness is started.
well this morning i am deciding to stop that particular slide into uselessness and address this in the her and now. i may want to be perfect, and i may think i have all the answers and i may be correct, but that does not entitle me to take liberties with those with whom i have built a trust relationship, as was the case this morning. i have already taken care of what needs to be taken care of in that respect and was forgiven for what i saw was my transgressions in this respect, and moved on. an extra meditation session and some obsessive work flow was a genuine and necessary good thing for me, and it helped me recenter and reground myself into the real world. that world is hardly to my liking this morning, but right now, i can tolerate it, and with a bit more practice tolerance will change into acceptance. yes i can keep denying what is going on, yes i can beat myself up for my behaviors or i can just accept all of that stuff is part of my human condition and move on. which i do believe is called for right now.
so into the breech i venture!
∞ DT ∞