Blog entry for:

with open-mindedness, i am led to the very insights that have eluded me throughout my life. on my way through my semi-busy day yesterday, yes i know i whined on facebook about how fVcking busy i was, i got a call from daily addict, telling me he was on the way to take another addict to the public health detox facility once again. although i could quickly degenerate into what my expectation were for this addict, the one that needed the detox that is, i will instead work on what that event and this reading evokes within me.
first off, looking at the similarities, i can see how stubborn and resistant i was when i first was exposed to recovery and the fellowship. in fact my counselor in treatment flat out stated that she believed that i was DOOMED to longer and longer periods of abstinence punctuated by briefer and briefer periods of all-out using. she was correct, because what i always forget to say when i relate that story was the her caveat,"UNLESS YOU FIND A WAY TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK."
i know my story has a whole lot more drama without that qualifier, and me being the person i am, i like the added cathartic value of defying those ominous words, when i relate my tale of finding recovery. these days, as appearances are becoming less relevant to me, i can see that adding that particular statement provides more HOPE than the defying the odds spin. i am however running down a tangent, what is germane here, is that it was only because i had a shift in my mental attitude about recovery and my involvement in a personal program of recovery, that i can sit here today, thousands of days after my last use, writing this entry in my daily record of existence. somewhere in those first couple of years of abstinence my mind opened and i became a participant in my recovery, instead of just complying with the terms of my contract with the 20th judicial district of Colorado. when and where that shift happened is still a mystery to me, and one that does not require me to chase it down, the important thing is the HOW of it all. i had to go through the 12 step process of the wrong fellowship for me, i had to self-sponsor for over six months, i had to put myself into one of the most dangerous situations i could concoct before i was ready to open my mind. more than likely it was my trip to New York City, that created within me a desire to actually begin the process of change and open my mind to a new idea or three.
today, i understand that the only way my recovery program can grow, is to actually listen with my critical mind shut-off to what other members are telling me. after listening and not judging, then and only then can their new ideas begin to percolate through the layers in my own consciousness and perhaps take root somewhere inside. IF i do not want to end-up in the county detox, i NEED to allow myself to be open to what it is that i am being told. my best thinking nearly killed me, and as a result here i am today, a willing participant in my recovery. yes it is true that i have been **AROUND** the program for over `13 years, BUT i have 12 years 7 months and 1 day clean today, and just over a decade of actual recovery. today i understand the difference, and man is it a good thing that i celebrate my clean-date, and not some nebulous date where my mind and my spiritual self finally arrived in the rooms. i am grateful this morning, that i can understand the difference and i choose to live a program of active recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞