Blog entry for:

from appreciating just how badly i really need new ideas and new direction. one of the silliest, but perhaps more salient of the bon mots thrown around the rooms is **Da-Nile** is not a river in Egypt. my life in denial of this and that has put into spots and places where i saw no exit, no escape and the only alternatives were one i never believed i could consider. i am not talking about before i got clean, not=r about my period of mere abstinence. i am talking about times in my active recovery where i chose to deny reality and allowed myself the freedom to fVck myself over, completely and without any reservations. it all comes down to believing in something, despite the evidence to the contrary, as i justify, rationalize and generally tap dance my way into class V rapids, without so much as a single paddle or life-jacket. when i find myself in such a situation, the fox-hole prayers take over and i end up in abject FEAR of the consequences i denied.
it would be oh so nice to say that because of the sad and dire experiences i described above, i have a totally open mind and accept new ideas from all sorts of sources, without any hesitation, at least when it comes to my journey of recovery. the truth is, however, i still have to run those new ideas through my filter and adjudicate whether or not they actually pertain to me. most, not all of those survive the discernment process, as i look at reality, my life and what i seek to accomplish. some however, certainly fall into the “flat earth” category of being so outrageously wrong, that they amuse me to no end. when i encounter the latter, i have to be very careful as i am quite likely to be dismissive of ideas that may not be as detached from reality as they may seem. i have to look at the messenger and see if they have something i desire and if so, did that notion help them to achieve it.
which brings me back to the here and now. dealing with the radio silence from my niece about her progress in moving out of the house that no longer belongs to my family. is frustrating. i want to believe the best but when i do not hear anything, i tend to believe the worst. where open-mindedness applies in this situation is that i need not be in denial about who and what she is, but i cannot let her slide to the deadline unprepared for the consequences of her inaction and denial. i will give her one more day to respond and then i will have to make the mile long journey up to the house to see what is occurring. perhaps, and i mean this with all sincerity, she is far to busy moving out to spend the time to respond to my inquiries, which would, of course be the best of all possible worlds, just for today.

∞ DT ∞