Blog entry for:

open my mind to the new ideas that i am presented in recovery. as is it here this morning, thinking about the reading as a whole, rather than trying to pull some sort of quickie line out of context so i can run out on some tangential rant. one of the tasks i did yesterday, needed to redone this morning, as i was not paying attention to what it was i was doing. another addict whose presence here in my home town was quite a shock showed up again last night. i am pissed off at my cable provider as my bill has once again every time i try to contemplate gone up. all of this and more is going on inside of my head what it is that i need to be thinking about, and as hard as i try, i just cannot let go of all these distractions this morning.
it is what it is, so instead of trying to let go of this sh!t, perhaps speaking to them will be a better strategy. the cable company, well, i strongly desire cable TV, my honey desires having a land line, and i NEED high speed internet, so i am stuck right now with the provider i have for all three, as the alternatives are few and far from palatable for me. what it means is that i will have to wait for the offices to open and negotiate my way to a lower bill, dropping the stuff we do not use and living with the consequences. that happens in 15 or so minutes, and will be a perfect task to accomplish before heading out for my morning constitutional.
not paying attention and having to clean-up my mess this morning? well as ticked off as i could be at myself, now that i am sitting here getting ready to whine in detail about it, i see that my humanness came into play there, and i need to forgive myself for being human, be more vigilant when using a new tool and be as certain that the results will be as i desire, before pushing the go button.
the addict? well that is something that goes a bit deeper. i have some information that is not public knowledge around here. yes their actions are all over the fellowship not all that far away. yes i know what they did, and heard all about it from a friend who was hurt by their behaviors. yes there is some anger, and even a tiny bit of resentment there, BUT i am beginning to process my feelings and i could hug them last night instead of shutting them out, like i did the last time i saw them up here. so i am getting better.
which does get me back to the topic of asking for help with the task of opening my mind to new ideas. i changed that phrase quite consciously, and will make no bones about it. i did it because, unlike staying clean, i DO HAVE THE ABILITY to open my mind inherent within me. as a regular reader, you may have come to realize that my view of the POWER that fuels my recovery defies most definitions. as a result, i know that POWER has the ability to open my mind, BUT I HAVE TO ALLOW IT. if i allow that POWER to do that, why not just do it myself, and ask for assistance in doing so? such a distinction makes me feel better, and feeling good is the outcome i am trying to achieve, isn't it? well not really, but taking responsibility for those things i do have the ability to do, is a good thing for me these days. i want to have power, and the POWER that fuels my recovery fills me with all, then power i can handle, on a daily basis. learning to listen to any idea, without judging its relative goodness, is what i heard after i cleared out the unprocessed sludge this morning. the POWER that fuels my recovery, will present me the opportunity to learn today, my job is to accept that gift and see how it fits into the sum total of my experience and knowledge, and HOW i can use it to further my ongoing recovery.
so i guess i really have nothing more to say, except it is what it is and my best path is to accept that and move on. and that is the surrender i will start this day with, this morning.

∞ DT ∞