Blog entry for:

i came to in recovery, was new ideas. denial and an attitude of **having it all figured out,** was what i HAD when i got here, and it nearly killed me. the fact that i was in the wrong fellowship was just a side-effect of my closed mindedness, the root of my problem. honestly i did not want to admit to anyone, least of all myself that i was an addict of any sort. sure i might have a bit of a drug problem that landed me in legal trouble, but a bit of time abstinent would “fix” that problem and i could get on with my life.
sitting here today, all of those attitudes and all of that resistance, i realize was a waste of effort on my part. once i stared getting the gifts of working the steps, i was fully assimilated, especially when i committed to the ONE fellowship i am a part of today. abstinence may make the heart grow fonder but it is what it is, and it is hardly sufficient, no matter how necessary, to bring about the changes i have seen in my life. so why do i keep going to meetings, working steps and carrying the message? because it gives me so much more than the path to staying clean today. for me, staying clean, no matter how important, is a great side-effect of working a program of active recovery.
so how did this conceited, self-absorbed, know-it-all, learn to open his mind? that is a great question and one i ponder quite often. there was nothing, way back when, that could have persuaded me, that recovery was a path i wanted to take. i had used on a semi-successful manner for decades and i certainly had enough life knowledge to continue using to whatever my ends would have been, bitter or not. i had moved in the rational and secular way of looking at the world, and was pretty certain that life was random and not part of some “grand plan.” interestingly enough, i have come back around to that point of view, after some time clean. arriving there, as a result of the step work i have done, brings me a place, where many wonder, exactly how do i see the POWER that fuels my recovery. the fact is i do not. there is after all, nothing to see here, i have to “feel” that POWER and as each day passes i do. when it was first suggested that i had to learn to feel the POWER, i scoffed and was certain that my sponse had slipped a cog or two, after all… today, as i get worked ever harder by this step, i get what he was talking about and am ready to surrender totally to what it is that i am feeling, with or without any concrete proof of existence on any level. i know that i am clean today, i know that i lacked that ability way back when, even tough i was fairly certain i could self-will my way to abstinence. i also know that i am firmly ensconced in a fellowship that has shown me that there are many ways to look at what was once the biggest problem in my life, me. today, my mind is open enough to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to give me whatever it takes to continue on my journey of becoming the sort of person i have always wanted to be.
yes a new idea cannot be grafted on to a closed mind, but today, my mind is open enough to let an idea or two be grafted, or at ;least that is what i think, so i will go with the flow and see what today may bring.

∞ DT ∞