Blog entry for:

lowest points in my life, was certainly the day i had to come to the rooms and get clean. i felt as if i had no choice in the matter and the alternative, if i did desire to choose it, was unpalatable to me. sop i trudged into abstinence, kicking, screaming and scheming my was through those first eighteen months, to be compliant with those who held my fate in their hands. i was quite oblivious to the notion that what i required was a personality change and was certain that after a minute of not using, i would be able to return to my old lifestyle and “enjoy” better living through chemistry. a “funny” thing happened on my way to that goal, i actually found myself wanting to stay clean and live a life of recovery, so here i am, a minute later, writing about life in recovery. i like to think i have an “open” mind, but i know that is not 100% true. when it comes to living a life based on the principles of the program that has given me this life, i am very, very, very “old school.” i do not compromise on certain issues and have been accused of being stubborn and set in my ways. those issues? among the most obvious is that as a result of staying clean, somehow i am entitled to happiness and that the newer members are entitled to a “safe” place to recover.
i create my own happiness on a daily basis, starting with gratitude for having choices today. when i expect that i need to be given happiness as a reward for staying clean, i am tripping down a path that will end up with me getting loaded. i can be happy and i do not need to filter out the unpleasant parts of my life to do so. i just look at what i have, what i have achieved and what i can still grow into and go from there.
the notion that the atmosphere of recovery is synonymous with a “safe” to recover, is a fallacy promulgated by some of my peers. the literature of this program states that the sooner one faces the reality, the sooner one can start to recover and not cushioning the blow of early recovery is certainly part and parcel of that notion. this is not fVcking therapy. i am here to recover, no matter how messy or disturbing it may be. that, at least for me, is part of the attraction and what keeps me coming back, just for today.

∞ DT ∞