Blog entry for:

how truly unmanageable my life has become, we allow myself to see how much i need what the fellowship has to offer. setting to write this, this morning, i happened to peruse my entry for last year. i am not quite certain where i was or exactly what i was feeling a year ago, but i do know that today, i have no problem with either being powerless or having an unmanageable life. the reading was not about either of those concepts which is a good thing. because this morning, that is probably not a topic i need to write about. in fact, before i shift gears, i will just say this: because i accept that i am powerless over addiction, i CAN open my mind to the ideas that are presented to me, from my peers in recovery.
a quick definition is in order here, so there is absolutely NO confusion. my peers in recovery, are those members who ARE staying clean no matter what and have decided to do their level best to live a program of recovery. noticeably absent in that definition, is the requirement about HOW long they have been clean. as someone who has grown accustomed to judging others, by the amount of clean time they have and by thinking that decades clean, somehow transformed people from the sh!is that they once were, this paradigm shift is huge. i certainly have seen members with 30 days clean have more recovery than some members with over 30 years clean. as a result i have moved clean time down in my set of criteria about who are and are not winners, and moved how someone acts when no one is looking, up in the list.
definitions aside, what i get today, is the chance to recover. the only thing my clean time gives me, is a bit of grace, because i do the deed everyday. there is a trap to clean time, for this addict anyways. that trap? that after some time clean, i begin to believe that i actually know enough about recovery to bully someone into doing something my way, and running away and taking my ball with me, when they choose not to believe that as well. the worst part is, that when i am participating in that behavior, i am already in denial, wearing my clean time as some sort of suit of armor, to fend off any attacks, after all i HAVE been doing this gig for so many thousands of days in a row. SNAP, my mind has just closed off to any new ideas and i am isolated and withdrawing into that suit of armor, believing that unless someone has more clean time, they have nothing to offer. the next thing i know, i am being derided and disrespected in the forums of the rooms as well in the conversations that others have about me and i have lost any esteem that i may have once had, all because i in denial about the role clean time plays in my recovery and the fellowship in general.
yes clean time does speak for itself, but unless i accept the notion that there is always something to learn and the source of what i NEED to learn today, may come from the dude with hours clean, i am a lost cause. unless i get off my fat a$$ and look for the answers, i will b e trapped in my ivory tower and believe stuff like Mars will appear larder than the moon for some arcane astronomical reason, just because i read it on the internet. my recovery is based in reason, not superstition. my recovery is based on the here and now, not on what kept me clean yesterday. my recovery is based on the living examples of those i share the rooms with, not some sort of imagined superiority. and today i am grateful that i can see where my mind has started to close and what i NEED to do, to get better, namely listen with my heart so i know what the next right thing to do, just happens to be. it is as my friend Joe, is fond of saying a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞