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is a concept with which i am intimately acquainted. it was pounded into my head at a very early age, by my family, popular culture and society in general. it was a concept that defined **real** men and was part and parcel of keeping all my garbage and feelings on the down-low. on coming to recovery, i had to “re-learn” all that i thought i knew and look at what life would be like, when i finally chose to be something more than the male macho caricature that i was taught to emulate at all costs. learning to actually express those feelings that were not considered “manly” instead of swallowing then and waiting for them to reappear as anger and rage, is still a learning process for me. ironically, as i spoke to a peer yesterday, he and i had a conversation on this exact topic, how does one let go of the lessons one was taught over a life-time about what a man is and is not?
i know a whole lot of my garbage about this, comes from the lie i told myself for so very long, it became my “TRUTH.” i was so absorbed in looking like everyone else and mimicking what i though was their behavior and reactions to the world around them, that i lost myself in the toxic miasma of denial, medication and suppression of my feelings. i know that my spiritual growth and the burst of step work activity was triggered by the issues my Dad is experiencing and the complexity of my family relationships, as sick and twisted as they may be, may finally be sorted out. it is no longer acceptable or even tolerable for me to deny that i have things inside of me that i cannot change. i may have never been “broken” but accepting that as reality for as long as i did, is a lot of inertia to overcome. yet, i am willing to put the energy and effort into doing just that: changing the path of the past five decades and seeing in what new direction, i can travel.
this morning, my mind has been opened a tiny bit more to the possibilities of life after toxic masculinity. i am not afraid of being less than a man, if i express me feelings, my needs and my desires. i may be a bit leery of what others may think, as i have been on the lookout of that for far too long. i am sure, however, that one i get a glimpse of who i may become, i will accept that person as a work in progress and let go of the identity i created to hold myself down and keep myself “safe.” just for today, i can be okay with feeling what i need to feel, being who i need to be and yes forgiving those i need to forgive. it is a kindness to have my Dad dying in his own living room and not a death sentence. it is a service i do, to honor and respect the man who i misunderstood for far too long and who i only started to see as my eternal ally, recently. this is the best amends i can make to him, for being such a sh!t and i take it on willingly and with absolutely no reservations, caveats or regrets.

∞ DT ∞