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self-will has created in my life, is merely the first step towards opening my mind. closed-minded, dishonest and unwilling might be three of the terms one might have used to describe my spiritual state when i got sentenced to recovery. throughout my recovery, those three terms continue to be an apt description of who i think i want to be. self-dependence and self-will did not vanish into thin air when i finally became a member and i often fall back on the familiar behaviors that make living unmanageable. whereas, i would certainly love to dwell in the black and white ➸ the non-spiritual creepy slob that walked into the rooms, and the fine updating member who is a paragon of spiritual principals who walks the Earth today, the truth is, as in most things, that i am certainly somewhere in between, neither a demon nor an angel, although i often exhibit traits of both.
since i have been clean for a minute or three, one of the tendencies i seem to notice in myself, is that i “think” i “know” everything i NEED to know about recovery and my journey along in its wake. this attitude is quite similar to the one i had when i walked into the rooms, and denied i had to even be in recovery, after all, forty years of living had taught me all i needed to know to survive through almost anything. it certainly is true that i am clean and staying clean is just what i do, BECAUSE i have learned to live a program, but when i think about it, that does not mean i have nothing left to learn. i can mouth those words with the best of my peers, but most of the time, i am paying lip-service to the concept of being open-minded. i know all the correct words, phrase and bumper sticker sayings to sound open-minded, but many times that is just smoke and mirrors, as i have already judged what is being said and dismissed it as irrelevant or just plain ignorant. where i end up, if i allow myself to drift along that path, is in a room, all alone, with a needle in my arm, hoping my next fix will be my last. a bit melodramatic, for sure, but no less true.
i alluded to the notion of balance in how i apply spiritual principles in my life, in the text above, so after have going down one path, i certainly need a bit of balance by looking at the other. most days, i can catch myself forming a judgement, and i am pretty much powerless over forming judgements. what i do have power over is recognizing that i have done so, and determining my next action to take. maybe what the newest of the new is sharing, is really no longer relevant to my life, that does not mean that i need to dismiss the rest of what they are trying to say. when i respect myself, i can take in what they are saying and listen for the HOPE that even those on their first day clean may be able to offer me. honestly, however it is not the newest of the new, that trigger this response, it is some of my peers that insist on telling me what to do and clump me into a stereotypical group, with their liberal use of “you” and “we” statements. i can say that nearly 100% of the time, when i hear a statement that starts with you or we, i disregard everything that comes after it. yes it is something i may work on, in this round of steps and it is unfortunate that with a simple turn of the phrase to focus on themselves, i would be a bit less judgemental and a bit more attentive to their message. that is however on me, and perhaps an area of my closed mind that may need to be opened.
as i am running late, i will end this here with the notion that yes, i may be an addict, yes i am far from spiritual, but that does not mean i am doomed to a life a misery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞