Blog entry for:

that have eluded me all my life, are out there, waiting for me to open my mind. i have been writing about how trapped i feel in my upside-down and inside-out experience with the THIRD STEP, this time around. listening to my peers and actually hearing what they have to say has done little to move me from the place i am stuck in as a result, i revert back to form and start blaming them for not providing me the pithy and wise insight that i require to unlock the puzzle i feel i cannot solve alone. i keep getting caught up in what they say and the trappings they put around their ideas, instead of listening with my heart for their message. it is a self-defeating feedback loop and one that could take me away from the very source of the new ideas i so desperately crave. so i fret and fume about external events in my life, such as the lack of clarity over the job opportunity i really, really desire to make a reality in my life. in fact i sprinted from the meeting last night because i did not feel like being social and cordial with one or more of my peers.
while all of that is true, what i am trying to avoid, at least this morning, is a place of desperate withdrawal and isolation. part of what i heard last night was the gift that recovery and what it has wrought in the lives of my peers. what spoke to me, was their sincerity and their ability to express how they saw their lives, without whitewash, bumper stickers and clichés. what i “heard” this morning was that it was time for me to let go of what i “think” the issue is with the THIRD STEP and go with what i feel. simply replacing my FEAR with a little bit of FAITH and opening my mind to the possibility that understanding what the shape of the POWER that fuels my recovery, may no longer be important, just for today. on that note, i think i will slide on down to the office and see if i can accomplish the task at hand, doing what i am paid very well and expected to do, just for today.

∞ DT ∞