Blog entry for:

i was totally isolated and did not think i had much to live for. little did i realize that, i was stepping onto a road of unlimited possibilities. my mind was so closed and i was in such a state of denial, the only thing i thought i wanted was a reprieve from the outside influences that were telling me what to do. imagine my surprise when i discovered it was not the events and forces that were external to me that were the source of my problem. the problem was me, and the road i trod to get here was as twisted as the road that i turned on to when i finally made my decision to recover and not just comply. the reading speaks of the gifts that i did not realize i needed or even wanted when i began this journey. today, as i sit here looking back, i realize that the greatest of those gifts was a life in recovery, since that day, way back when, the direction that i have been given fills me with a sense of immense gratitude.
okay, enough of the mushy stuff, what is really going on inside of my head this morning? well for one thing, other than the whole gratitude gig, i finally am surrendering to the process of the seventh step. here i sit only two questions from the end of my assignment and i am starting to be amazed at my obstinate refusal to accept that process. well that was at least up to yesterday. last night i went to a meeting that i do not normally frequent, and as a result, i got a gift i generally do not receive, i heard what i needed to hear from a room full of members with barely any clean time at all. their apparent lack of clean time, however did not diminish the amount of recovery i heard last night. yes the room was full of distractions, personalities, side conversations and members texting during the meeting. BUT it was also full of members who wanted something more than they had, and shared honestly and openly about what they were going through. not that it was unique to any of the other thousands of meetings that occurred yesterday, across the world, what was unique was that i was finally able to hear what they were trying to tell me, namely it will be alright, and all i had to do is live on that slim hope that even i can recover. and recovering is what i think i will do today. yes, i am about to embark on a journey to California to spend eight days in meetings and workshops. yes, i will not make any money as a result of that trip. BUT i am finally coming to a place that makes me feel that the act of doing is important and that for whatever reason this is something that i need to do. so i am finally accepting this particular phase of my journey and the more i accept that, the less i am concerned about where i am going. this morning i have FAITH that i am moving t=int the correct direction, and that i will be provided with the map to the minefield when i need to avoid the land mines that are part of my life in recovery. so time to hit the showers and get active in my professional life, it too, is something i need to do to stay on this road of recovery.

∞ DT ∞