Blog entry for:

i will notice that a loving God replaces those defects with quality attributes. my delusions about myself will disappear to be replaced by self-honesty and self-acceptance. as i move towards the completion of my seventh step, this seems to be happening more and more. yes i know the reading was about the sixth step, but what i heard this morning was the changer inherent in the process of steps six and seven. since i happen to be at the end of my seventh step. this is where i seem to end up when speaking and thinking about this process. i know that i am becoming less delusional about who and what i am, and i know that this process can only continue, if i ALLOW it to happen. so here i sit, on this chilly saturday morning, actually doing a bit of work, and pondering the nature of the power i have over this process. although i cannot make it happen or speed the process up, i certainly can delay the changes and even stop it in its tracks, which is a bit ironic as i had two relapse dreams this morning. the first was quickly followed by the second and in neither one do i remember actually using. the dreams seem to start the day after i used, and there was a time when i used to feel ripped off if i did not get high in a using dream. i used to believe that was a free pass. this morning however, i was disturbed by the aftereffects rather than the act itself. so it shows that something is going on inside of me that is desirous and good, in my humble opinion. i almost hate the paradigm shift of identity that occurs as part of this process, but i know that if i want the gifts i have to accept that shift. and truthfully i want the gifts, shift be damned. so anyhow, it is off to another task before driving down to Castle Rock, with the thought that change or not, idenity discovery or not, it is good day to recover.

∞ DT ∞