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and i long for freedom from them.
so for all the tizzy i found myself in yesterday, today seems like a day in an alternate reality. all that i thought i had released was exaggerated, i made it through another day, and as i let go, the process of recovery took over and this morning, i find that i am resolved to accept ALL of my past, not just those parts that are appealing to me.
the reading however, was not about dealing with my past and yet it does apply. one of those lingering defects of character, at least for me, happen to me by NEED to exaggerate my importance in the scheme of things. somehow, somewhere down the line, as addiction stripped me of my identity, that knowledge was replaced by a set of characteristics seemingly designed to bolster my non-existent self-respect, hence my self-worth and self-esteem. i understand where that came from, i even understand why i NEEDED to have those sorts of mechanisms auto-magically protect me from myself. what i have trouble understanding is why they are still active in my life today. especially, since i am not living that life of depravity and callous disregard of others any more. the question than becomes am i really as self-confident and self-assured as i think i am, or is there part of me that still believes that i could crumble like a house of cards in the slightest of breezes?
so i could run this conundrum around and around in my head, driving myself totally insane in the process, which by the way would not be that long of a journey, or i can step out in a moment of FAITH. stepping into STEP THREE and letting the POWER that fuels my recovery take care of that part of my life as well. which of course feels so foreign and appears so frightful that of course i could not allow that to happen. if i let go, and if i allowed this particular set of defects be removed, how on earth could i ever go back to doing those things that i know are wrong? if i cannot act out with knowledge how can i survive clean? it just gets worse from there, the addict within screams for his out while the rest of me is perfectly content with continuing down the path, where acting out, with or without knowledge need not injure my self-respect or self-esteem, as there are ways for me to accept and yes, even correct the consequences of those actions.
STEP SIX, at least for me, is more about accepting my powerlessness over the pace and the direction of my personality change and allowing that change to happen, as it will. after all, that remains the only choice i have, once i decide to live a program of active recovery, just for today. so off to workout and get some stuff done today. yes i can look at those walled off parts of my past and know for certain, that i do have a POWER that will protect me from myself, as long as i allow IT to.

∞ DT ∞