Blog entry for:

my defects inflict on my life and the lives of those around me, has driven me to distraction more than once across the course of my recovery. of course i am more than willing and desirous of having them removed. and yet, at times, they seem to be like that old pair of smelly, well-worn sneakers with which i will not part. learning to live a life in recovery, active recovery that is and not mere abstinence, has me looking forward most of the time, to a time and place where my life is free from my character defects and the shortcomings that arise out of them. that day may never come, but at least, each and every day i live a program of active recovery, i get the opportunity to get infinitesimally closer to that ideal.
as i sat this morning, and work did not intrude on the quiet, i felt a bit of wonderment about what i am willing to do to stay clean and grow. once upon a time, life was all about me, and i am pretty certain it still is, the difference however, is that i actually pay attention to the world around me and those with whom i interact. i am not shitty to others because i do not want to own that i am wrong. i choose to be selfless when i could be selfish, because i want others to be in my life. i choose to be kind and respectful, because that is how i wish to be treated. the list goes on and on. each time i make a choice to exercise a spiritual principle, rather than a shortcoming, i am still seeking some sot of payoff, even if it is just a modicum of self-worth , self-esteem or self-respect. those stinky sneakers get kicked back further into the closet of shit i am willing to part with and have yet been able to do so. each time i choose not to try them out for size, i get a little bit better.
well my employer requires my attention, so i will post this and move on. well perhaps not as quickly as i thought, as someone beat me to the next task on my plate. today, i can know and live within my means: spiritually, materially, physically and emotionally. allowing myself to remember that i am responsible for how i live and the choices i make on a daily basis, keeps me grounded. i could but choose not to, manufacture excuses, justifications and rationalizations for my less than stellar behaviors and the consequences that arise out of them. i have grown to the point where that sort of living is no longer acceptable, for the most part, to me. just for today, i will put aside what i am not and allow myself to be.

∞ DT ∞