โ i get a good look at what these defects are doing to my life โ
Posted: Thu, May 10, 2012 07:47:51 AM
and i begin to long for freedom from these defects. that may be the case, today, however i am quite comfortable, at least so far, as i have barely begun to interact with the world around me, so only time will tell.
with that extreme caveat, what did this particular entry say to me this morning? a very intereting question and one that i certainly can answer as i do this brain dump. i have heard it said that character defects were survival skills, that were warped by active addiction beyond what was really needed. the human attribute of being able to judge danger, detect stuff and events that may be harmful, is certainly a part of my human condition and without a doubt a very useful inherent skill. learning to FEAR certain situations, especially those that are harmful, is once again part of my human condition. where i strayed form the other 85%, is that FEAR morphed from being ahealthy reaction to unknown and uncertain world around me, into a ruling factor of my behavior! coupling that with the ability to detect and judge harmful events, and quite quickly judgmentalness became part and parcel of living in active addiction, polished into character trait, and corrupted into a character defect. everything that threatened my ability to get what i thought i NEEDED, became FEARFUL to me, and making quick and often erroneous judements about people and situations just became my new normal. just as a frog will let itself get boiled as the wtaer temperture gradually rises, so this particular defect became engrained, with no effort on my part and mostly undectectable to me.
of course, by the time i got to recovery, i had learned to live with the consequnces of making decions based upon FEAR and making snap judgements, so i saw nothing wrong with who i was, at least consciously. here is where the beauty and the elegance of step work comes into play. as i stayed clean, and the fog of substance use and abuse, started to clear, what i knew about who i was subconsciously, started to surface, and my conscious opinion of who and what i was, began to deteriorate. as that the cognative dissonace began to become troublesome, i was offered a solution, well it was a bit more than an offer, it was stated as the command
“WORK THE STEPS OR DIE M--- F--R”
work the steps i did, and as i this dig into what i had become progressed i saw what a pathetic creature i had become. to have my life ruled by finding the ways and means to get high, every waking moment of my day, really SUCKED! the imperative to allow myself to become something more and regain my humanity, through the process of working the steps, became part of how i chose and still choose to live. as corny as this may sound, i am grateful for the uncovery process of step work, and the transformative nature of that process. honestly, i never knew who i could become and as i start to glimpse where i am going through the lens of where i came from, i am certainly more than just a little pleased. the most amazing part, is that a friend and addict who is struggling to get clean, has started to call me before he uses, and i look forward to his calls, as i certainly feel his pain as well as his desparation. although i am uncertain what the result of his current struggles may be, i know that i DO have something to give, and more importantly i can be trusted. suspending judgement of his current state for just a minute, allows me the freedom to HOPE, that once again he will be part of the fellowship that is willing and ready to welcome him back into the fold.
so back to the top. what have i heard? well i can stay as sick as i want to. i have a solution that i choose not to avail myself to. i may stay clean, but can i really live life in the pain of untreated addiction. keeping it at bay, with daily maintenance is fine and dandy, but how long can i sit in this holding pattern? that is always the question, the answer is until the pain of doing is less than the pain of doing, and that threshhold is close at hand.
anyhow time to let this go and sit back and relax as i complete my trip into the big city, it is a good day to be on this side of the dirt.
with that extreme caveat, what did this particular entry say to me this morning? a very intereting question and one that i certainly can answer as i do this brain dump. i have heard it said that character defects were survival skills, that were warped by active addiction beyond what was really needed. the human attribute of being able to judge danger, detect stuff and events that may be harmful, is certainly a part of my human condition and without a doubt a very useful inherent skill. learning to FEAR certain situations, especially those that are harmful, is once again part of my human condition. where i strayed form the other 85%, is that FEAR morphed from being ahealthy reaction to unknown and uncertain world around me, into a ruling factor of my behavior! coupling that with the ability to detect and judge harmful events, and quite quickly judgmentalness became part and parcel of living in active addiction, polished into character trait, and corrupted into a character defect. everything that threatened my ability to get what i thought i NEEDED, became FEARFUL to me, and making quick and often erroneous judements about people and situations just became my new normal. just as a frog will let itself get boiled as the wtaer temperture gradually rises, so this particular defect became engrained, with no effort on my part and mostly undectectable to me.
of course, by the time i got to recovery, i had learned to live with the consequnces of making decions based upon FEAR and making snap judgements, so i saw nothing wrong with who i was, at least consciously. here is where the beauty and the elegance of step work comes into play. as i stayed clean, and the fog of substance use and abuse, started to clear, what i knew about who i was subconsciously, started to surface, and my conscious opinion of who and what i was, began to deteriorate. as that the cognative dissonace began to become troublesome, i was offered a solution, well it was a bit more than an offer, it was stated as the command
“WORK THE STEPS OR DIE M--- F--R”
work the steps i did, and as i this dig into what i had become progressed i saw what a pathetic creature i had become. to have my life ruled by finding the ways and means to get high, every waking moment of my day, really SUCKED! the imperative to allow myself to become something more and regain my humanity, through the process of working the steps, became part of how i chose and still choose to live. as corny as this may sound, i am grateful for the uncovery process of step work, and the transformative nature of that process. honestly, i never knew who i could become and as i start to glimpse where i am going through the lens of where i came from, i am certainly more than just a little pleased. the most amazing part, is that a friend and addict who is struggling to get clean, has started to call me before he uses, and i look forward to his calls, as i certainly feel his pain as well as his desparation. although i am uncertain what the result of his current struggles may be, i know that i DO have something to give, and more importantly i can be trusted. suspending judgement of his current state for just a minute, allows me the freedom to HOPE, that once again he will be part of the fellowship that is willing and ready to welcome him back into the fold.
so back to the top. what have i heard? well i can stay as sick as i want to. i have a solution that i choose not to avail myself to. i may stay clean, but can i really live life in the pain of untreated addiction. keeping it at bay, with daily maintenance is fine and dandy, but how long can i sit in this holding pattern? that is always the question, the answer is until the pain of doing is less than the pain of doing, and that threshhold is close at hand.
anyhow time to let this go and sit back and relax as i complete my trip into the big city, it is a good day to be on this side of the dirt.
∞ DT ∞