Blog entry for:

replaces my defects of character with quality attributes. got to admit, i went back to a closer rendition of the seed from the reading. as i have said before i am not a **GOD** kind of guy, nor would i add any human attributes to the concept that has becoming more clear to me. i also realize however, that i need not take my quirks and use them to drive a wedge between myself and my peers. so just for the record, when i say i am not a **GOD** kind of guy, it does not mean that i lack FAITH or have pitched the whole POWER greater than myself, out the window. i certainly believe that some POWER, be it divine, or not, is giving me the power to stay clean, day after day. i also have FAITH, in that POWER to provide for me, what i am incapable of providing for myself, withing the limitations of me being human. which in a roundabout manner, brings me to the topic highest on my stack today, character defects.
my experience has been, that my character defects have not been removed, to date. from time to time, i am certainly painfully aware of them and do what i can to suppress them. after battering my head against that wall, long enough to get a headache and more than a little bit bloodied, i remember what the steps do say, and what my part in this process is: to become ready to have my defects of character removed and to humbly ask for my shortcomings to be taken away. no more, no less: just recognize and let go. my experience has also been that many of my defects have been reshaped back into human characteristics and attributes that i share with the rest of my species. pride in workmanship has replaced conceit. self-esteem and self-worth are now active in my life, replacing the heinous stories i once told myself about who and what i was. step by step, day be day, as i grow by doing what i suggested by my predecessors as well as my peers i GET to see the damage i do to myself and others diminish. one of the shortcomings i struggle with from time to time, is certainly me need to be right, and to self-righteously tell you how right i am, hence my need to let you know that **GOD** is nice and all, but i have something a whole lot less capricious and better. predestination and all of its accoutrements is a comforting notion, but for me it a limiting factor on where i might be able to go. my opinions, such as they are, when it comes to this aspect of my recovery have been blended from what i once knew, what i came to believe, what i have been told, and what i am now starting to feel.
of course, i want all of my peers, friends and acquaintances to inexpert the exhilarating freedom that this belief system brings, once it is unattached from the constraints of the human mind. of course i want itr to do it so badly, that the ends, SPIRITUAL FREEDOM justifies the means, INTELLECTUAL BULLYING! BOOM, there i am again, smack dab in the middle of my defects of character, manipulating and bullying others into thinking in a similar manner to me.
ah, but there is a flip side to all of this.the shortcomings within me, i find the most bothersome, are the ones i notice in everyone else. time and again, i have told more than one person, that if you want something from me, or desire me to be somewhere, just ask. no need to try and slide in sideways. i am well-versed in that particular behavior, well IF YOU ARE ALREADY… for me, it is manipulation in all its shining glory, getting what i want, without having to take a risk, and ask for something. so just for today, i do believe that i will ask for what i want or need, instead of manipulating someone into doing it for me. after all, i am more than certain that this is more in line with becoming genuine, than the alternative. it is after all a GREAT day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞