Blog entry for:

for the freedom to become the person i have always wanted to be. just for today, i am confident enough in who i am to have FAITH in the recovery process. for me, that process includes the removal of my character defects and the behaviors arising out them, through living a program of active recovery. i no longer have to craft a belief structure reliant on the notion that since a perfect HIGHER POWER created me, that HIGHER POWER must have intended me to be the way i am. the FEAR that somehow i will not be me, if i allow the recovery process to take hold and have FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery is doing for me, what i cannot do for myself, is at the core of that FAITH. no matter how long i have managed to stay clean, i have yet to reach a state of being “the best possible me.” that is not something i need to fear today and while that was what started my journey into the ELEVENTH STEP this morning what was not all i heard.
yes, character defects and shortcomings, mine and those of the people with whom i share my life often lead to all sorts of disparate trains of thought, this morning was no exception to that. what i felt when i moved into the first part of my day, was a NEED to go buy something, dammit! i did succumb to that urge as my current coffee maker is shutting itself off at strange and unusual times, like halfway through brewing. when electrical things start behaving oddly, especially small appliances, i get concerned about what may be happening inside of them. yes i wanted to change the way i felt with some quick retail therapy, because i feel like a big LOSER, being stuck on prayer and how it fits in my spiritual journey. the fact that my coffee maker was “acting up,” was a convenient bit of smokescreen to getting what i wanted, freedom from the feelings of inadequacy that have been gnawing on me all week long. naming that feeling and the actions i have been taking to avoid that feeling, is the first step to being freed from the chains that bind me. i have a path forward and it is just my willful obstinacy that is keeping me from moving forward, not all that much different than the actions of my peers, who choose to live in their fantasies as well.
what i also “heard” this morning is that i need not FEAR making an alteration to a spiritual path, to fit who i am and where i am going. i grew up in a static and dogmatic religion, and those attributes were what started my journey away from all i knew. as i grow on my path i see that seeds for the crisis in FAITH i am having now, were planted way back when, in the notions of being a sinner at birth and embracing shame over being who i was. even though i believe i have mostly dealt with those seed of FEAR and the resultant crop of personal inadequacy that grew, i still sometimes feel like that fourteen year old who had to confess to a priest that i had self-pleasured.
as i get ready to head on out to the real world, i get why i might want to bury those feelings of shame. living a spiritual path outside of the notions of eternal bliss or damnation, is spooky. learning to let go of the burdens that i was given and willingly took on, is part of the journey i am on today. it may not seem like it, but i think i have finally reached a point where i am ready to make that decision and actually work to implement it. it is time to pitch the garbage i created as a result of my interpretation of a spiritual path that never really fit who i was.

∞ DT ∞