Blog entry for:

entirely ready, to do something to further my spiritual growth. take two, i fat fingered the first one, so if you are following the bad link from my errant tweet or rss feed, welcome to this monkey house.
i have been, oh how shall i say thus, more than a little bit irritable and less than tolerant lately and have been wondering what is going on\\ with me. the answer was in the reading yesterday and i was in too much denial to see that it was my FIRST STEP that is working me over, as i ponder and think about it, instead of sitting down and writing it out. seriously, not one person who i have trouble “liking” these days, has changed, they are doing the same old shite that they have always done, it is just getting under my skin, rather than rolling off my back. how's for stringing together a plethora of clichés❗❓
sure, i want to come off in these little ditties as someone wiser than the average bear, but today, this morning anyhow, i feel a bit broken, cracked as it were and all my spiritual wise juice is seeping through that nearly invisible crack and draining away into the ether. with that wisdom goes my patience, tolerance and acceptance of others and BOOM i am the insane and out of control a$$hole that i had come to tolerate, way back when. i know that the paradigm i used to work under was that i do not move forward until the pain of standing still is too great, and i can see why this is still active in my life, i am basically lazy and will let things slide until i cannot stand them anymore. living my life in the spiritual default mode, which is something i am not powerless over.
i make a conscious choice to sit in the morning and take an inventory in at night. i automatically say the same prayers i have said since day one, even though my belief structure has been demolished and reinitialized as a belief system. yet, the inflexibility of how i exercise and express that structure is still part of who i am, i have yet to let go of what is no longer working for me and i EXPECT to still work like it always did. i think it is a good thing that i am focusing on bringing my lessons about living in the the here and now in the physical world, into my spiritual world.
what is it about my writing assignment that is keeping me from looking at it? it simply is an inventory over where i am powerless, in respect to my spiritual practices and outlook. i am generally not all that lazy and i do have a tendency to procrastinate, but even with that in the background, what generally is the reason i choose to stall out on my step work is FEAR. what is it that i am afraid of these days, it is not as if the beast forever is going to pop-out of my spiritual practices and decimate my spiritual landscape. there will certainly be some alterations and more than a few accommodations to what is happening in the now, and what was happening way back then. is it really worth all the pain and suffering that i am going through, although that is more than a bit of hyperbole, better put the tiny angst i feel about stepping into the unknown world and examining what i have been doing for the better part of two decades. maybe i will be exiting stage left, or perhaps, i will become stronger in my spiritual practices, as i learn to move beyond the ritual and obsessive manner i now practice them. i like ritual and maybe my fear is that i no longer NEED a ritualistic practice to frame my recovery journey.
ah the wonderful world of me, get far too complex, maybe i just have to let go of who i may think i am spiritually and see what happens, after all, IF i surrender, i am powerless over a whole lot of spiritual things, notions and concepts.

∞ DT ∞