Blog entry for:

my readiness is no longer sparked only by pain but by a desire to grow spiritually.
so a small postscript on my writings and online discussions yesterday. as finally came to see, there is bias on both sides of any issue. the very arguments my friend and peer was using, were the ones he was deriding. both sides of the issue, wanted to keep the discussion very focused on one small aspect of the problem, and as i tried to expand the discussion into a more global look, i was told, that was what it was not about. i came to the place where i just walked away, and in my head and heart agreed to disagree. that is so unlike me, but that discussion, is quite indicative of a current theme that has been running through my life lately, no not that BIG PHARMA and BIG INSURANCE, has health-care providers shilling for their their corporate agenda -- EAT MORE PILLS, although i could certainly go there. no the theme that this reveals, came to me after my TENTH STEP last night, focusing on a very familiar behavior of mine, narrowing the focus of a discussion, so i can always be correct. my silence was not tacit agreement with a point, it was that i saw that i was going to back someone into a corner, myself or my friend, from which the only escape might have had the force of a nuclear blast.
i deal with this issue in a similar form in the rooms and the in the lives of my peers. when i refuse to see addiction as part of the whole and mold my recovery accordingly, i lose out on the benefits. my tendency in active addiction was to fragment my life, as a result, in active recovery the converse action is my goal, reintegrate into the whole. an alcoholic will tell one, that they are different form an addict, in a whole litany of ways, but in the long run it comes down to the argument: “i never had a problem with street drugs.”
that is truly the case of wanting a nickle for every time i have heard something similar fall out of the mouths of my peers. the pieces of my life, that i believe are under my control, are the places i reserve for disappointment and remove from the cloak of the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. i can set up all the straw men i choose to, fill my rhetoric with red herrings, the fact remains, that when i do so, the only person i am trying convince and win over is me.
if i want to have healthy equal relationships, than i need to turn it over into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, not just walk away, or go to fortunetellers seeking answers, the answers are right in front of my nose: i could not have healthy relationships with others, UNTIL i started having a healthy relationship with myself. the same goes for all the other areas in my life that i reserve the right to place under my own will, and for me, most of the time, the results are far from satisfactory.
just to be clear, i understand the point my friend was making. the website in question demonizes a class of people AND DOES NOT FOSTER ANY SORT OF THE DISCUSSION I WANTED TO HAVE. it also reminds me that as long as i keep the discussion narrowly focused i can always be right and i never have to own that i am wrong. it is a good day to be clean and i am grateful that today i have a program based on growth and hope, and no longer rooted in fear, pain and misery. that is the gift the POWER that fuels my recovery, gives me, through each and every one of my peers, acquaintances and friends.

∞ DT ∞